Noooooooooo! THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!

150 calories and 4.5 grams of fat heaven

Like a golden nugget at the bottom of the sack lunch mom packed for me, it was right under the bologna sandwich and the stupid apple or grapes I was supposed to eat--the holy grail of kid cuisine--my TWINKIE.  Of course the bologna sandwich was constructed of that other cake-like concoction, Wonder Bread----"helps build strong bodies 12 ways!"-- the work of  the kid friendly geniuses at Interstate Bakeries.

mmmm...eat me!

Gingrich supporter smuggling Hostess Sno Balls 

Interstate Bakeries is now long gone having filed for bankruptcy in 2004.   And lately, Hostess Brands, the current keeper of the Twinkie, Wonder Bread, Ding Dong, Ho Ho and Sno Ball flame is also going bank-o.  What??!!  How can that be?  Don't kids still hunger for empty calorie deliciousness?  The apparent answer is: NO.  Over the past several years health-conscious Americans have begun to favor yogurt and energy bars over dessert cakes and white bread.  Last year only 36 percent of us ate white bread, down from 54 percent in 2000, while 54 percent ate whole wheat bread, up from 43 percent in 2000.
WTF??

This, of course, begs the question:  Why do we have so many fat kids?  If we all are eating healthy and substituting allegedly more nutritious fare for good old American Twinkies and Ding Dongs why the "wide load" kids?  Something is rotten America!

The Hostess company is $860 million in debt and could ultimately be out of business.  This has me and several other Boomer brothers and sisters frantic with worry.  My pal, The Skipper, is positively apoplectic.  He is convinced it is the beginning of the end of life as we know it in our beloved United States. He is seldom wrong when it comes to these things.   (Skipper Dave was one of the first to discover the natural goodness of the beer and Cracker Jacks diet.)  In fact, Skip recently told me of his plan to stock his garage and attic with Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls and Ding Dongs in preparation for the world's end scheduled by the Mayans for December of this year. Because these tasty items are not only delicious but are injected with an unidentifiable sugary cream filling that never goes bad, who can argue?

This just in...

It looks like a group of lenders led by Silver Point Capital has committed $75 million in financing for Hostess to maintain routine operations while they attempt to reorganize the company.  Good news indeed!  However, there is NO time for rest.  All of us who know and love Hostess products need to start pigging down like it was 1958.  Get out there and start stuffing your face!  Also, it wouldn't hurt to introduce the grandkids to the Hostess family of fine foods when their parents aren't looking.

Twinkie cellulite storage container

We'll need a secret handshake or something to show our unity and commitment to bringing this company back to life.  How about showing a little cellulite whenever you get the chance?  You know--those saggy places on your body where all the Twinkie residue roosts.  Flash some of that flab that makes it look like you're packing a bag full of door knobs and creamed corn.  Let free the blubber above your belt; may it top your pants like Katrina crested the levys in the Big Sleezy.  Then, together,  maybe one day we'll  take our watery thighs to Hostess Heaven to join Buffalo Bob,  Howdy Doody, Clarabell, Mr. Bluster, Chief Thunderthud and the rest of the Doodyville gang in a cream filled bacchanal.

Good times, all courtesy of the company that MUST BE SAVED!

Buffalo Bob showing some Twinkie residue; Howdy...not so much

"And That's The Way It Is"...

In the early days of network television a number of shows originated from the Midwest.  Chicago and Kansas City were considered to be part of America and not merely "fly over country" by web executives.  Today, as you no doubt have noticed, broadcasting bigwigs consider anything that happens more than fifty miles outside the city limits of New York or Los Angeles to be the province of the "foreign" desk.

The Camel News Caravan with Midwesterner John Cameran Swayze

"Big explosion in Minneapolis?"  "Don't we have an affiliate there?" "Let's get some footage from them and we'll do the story from here in New York."

It's hard to find a network willing to send a reporter to an outpost in the Central time zone or even one willing to ask a local how to pronounce a place name.  How many times have you seen a news story on  ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN or FOX where they got the name of a town or important person wrong?  Didn't you wonder about the accuracy of other "facts" in the report? 

Dave Garroway and J. Fred Muggs

Every four years this smacks us in the face as we watch the television cameras and reporters wend their way to Iowa and the caucuses.  Their reports are handled not unlike a trip to the zoo.  They may not verbalize it but their eyes and demeanor hint of amusement as they interview the corn fed rubes of a state most of them probably heretofore had confused with Ohio.  Condescension is in the air courtesy of the good looking dim bulbs who were hired for their coif rather than credentials and the reports they file wink "these Iowans are atypical; pay little attention to what they think". 

To a degree, they have a point.  Iowans really are more white, religious, educated, and (truth be told) fatter than most of the rest of the country.  However, and it is important to note, they are loaded with the now UNcommon commodity of COMMON SENSE.  To dismiss what the denizens of the tall corn state have to say about the state of our nation is an error of major proportions.   They know the country is dangerously off track and in need of adjustment.  A politician who fails to heed the message does so at his peril.  

New Hampshire, South Carolina, Florida and other early primary states too have lots to say about our country and the direction we're headed.  Like Iowa those states are home to people who believe in a future far different from the one imagined by a bi-coastal media and political elite.  The latter are the true "provincials".

You want a sense of what is truly important to most Americans and the course the majority hope to steer?  Head for the heart of America where the smiles are a little broader, the handshakes linger and the love of a great county is alive, well and looking for new leadership.

I Can't LIve By Your Rules!

Usually I am no fan of New Year's resolutions.
Who wants to burden themselves with a bunch of good intentions bound to make your life even more boring than it already is?
Here is a resolution I think we can all embrace and make our lives even more interesting AND America a better country.

Break more laws in 2012.  That's it.

The morons in charge, especially here in Jerry Brown's California, have come up with roughly a bazillionty new laws to cramp your style for 2012 and beyond.  We're not capable of taking care of ourselves, you know, and government is there to take the reins.

Beginning January 1, 2012,  parents of kids up to the age of eight are required to strap said children into a car seat whenever they are in an automobile.  The geniuses in Sacramento have outdone themselves on this one!  Obviously they haven't scoped out a class of second graders lately.  Today's eight year-olds are the size of NFL linemen and getting one into a car seat for children ranks right up there with tying a live moose to the hood of a Mini Cooper.  COME ON!  Maybe Governor Moonbeam would like to try taking your kid to Disneyland next time?  "Hold still Tiny."

Other new laws set to make life so much better for us all include:  A two-bill package that bans the sale of shark fins and forbids homeowner associations from banning electric car recharging stations.  (We'll all sleep better because of those two.)  Under the "Dream Act", (yes, we have that in California), illegal immigrants attending college can now apply for private financial aid.  Then, starting in 2013, they can also apply for public aid, such as scholarships and fee waivers.  Crime pays in the Golden State.

Other states are also interested in screwing with you.  Illinois, all the problems of California bundled with corn, cows and crappy weather, will now mandate that animal control centers scanning a lost pet for a microchip also must look for other common forms of identification, including tattoos and ID tags.  (Better make sure Fido has his wallet with him.)

Yes, just as it has been for the past several years, the anal retentive pinheads are in charge of your life.  Until we all decide to do something about it they will continue to have us on a short leash.  What we need is a honking big Bowie knife, (probably illegal), to cut us loose.  How about taking your eight year-old out of that damn car seat and have him drive us to the sporting goods store.  He looks big enough to handle it.

New laws...from the same dorks who gave you memos, meetings and annual reviews.  It's time to run their pants up the flagpole and put the fun folks back in charge!

The Congressman Wore Double D's

Just as I was beginning to believe my little friends who say there is no Santa...

There he is!  Massachewtits gift to the U.S. Congress and comedy, Barney Frank,  on C-SPAN sporting a set of major league fun bags seldom seen outside the confines of your local "gentleman's" club.  Who dresses this guy??!! Maybe the troubled youth from the "escort service" who lives in his basement?

"Yeah, Barn', the T-shirt with the over-the-shoulder sport coat."  "You'll be so chic compared to those awful Republicans!  You look stunning!"

So, God bless us EVERY one!  Merry Christmas to those  who know that ultimately the S.E.C. will figure it all out and justice will prevail as Barney's role in the rape of the taxpayer via Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac is revealed.  (Perhaps Barney can finally put that strapless chiffon number to good use at the prison Christmas dance next year.)

Barney channels the late Jane Russell

If you're so inclined, a swell going away gift for congressman Frank, as he "retires" one step ahead of being frog-marched out of his D.C. office,  might be one of George Castannza's manziers.  The "Bro" may be just the ticket for the kind of lift and separation needed by the House's Queen of the Hop. 

The original "full figured" gal

So, thanks for the holiday laughs Barney.  You looked radiant in powder blue.

Just remember, when the day of reckoning comes, they don't call it "the pokey" for nothing. 

This Better Be Good!

A movie for grownups with no car chases.

A few weeks ago I took in George Clooney's new movie, the Descendants.  I think it was the first movie I had seen in a theater in more than a year.  Most new films don't cater to geezers over thirty and when I do see one that looks like it has possibilities I merely talk about "maybe' seeing it until it's, all of a sudden,  out on DVD.  

Just as I'm certain that the 12-24 year-old demographic deemed the Descendants, I'm just too S L O W.

Frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.   Who needs $10 popcorn and washtub sized sodas?  We more "mature" guys with our jumbo prostates can't chug those fountain refreshments without a handy remote to pause the action.  For that, and more reasonable snack pricing, the good ol' home big screen TV is the place to park it for entertainment.   Which is right where I'll be this Sunday night as I wait for the conclusion of the best new series on television, Homeland.


Over the past few years the best movies have been those of the series variety created for TV's premium channels.  HBO started it with shows like the Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm,  Band of Brothers and so many more.  They continue today with Boardwalk Empire, Bored to Death, Enlightened and others.  AMC, FX and Showtime have entered the fray with wonderful offerings like: The Killing, Rescue Me, Hell on Wheels, Breaking Bad and the truly outstanding Homeland.  Clearly some of the best writing, acting and producing of today is happening not in the theaters but on premium TV.

Claire Danes

Homeland is a thriller with a counter-terrorism theme that gets well deserved raves from critics and on-line clowns like me who can't wait for each Sunday night installment.  Claire Danes is Carrie, a bi-polar CIA officer, who is certain that a former POW turned war hero, Damian Lewis as Sgt. Nicholas Brody, has been "turned" by Islamic extremists and is on an undercover mission of jihad against America.  Homeland is taut and intelligent and has kept me occupied with its dramatic twists and turns for weeks.  This Sunday night it should all come together.  It will be tough to pull off a satisfying resolution to this story while getting we fans primed for a new season at the same time.  I hope they don't blow it like the creators of AMC's The Killing did.  If you watched that one, you know what I mean.

Sunday night should be ninety minutes of television at its best.  A great story concludes with some answers to questions and needed resolution-- at least that's what I'm hoping for.  If not, well there is my popcorn and ninety minutes of watching Claire Danes.  A bargain in any man's language.

You CAN'T Make It Up

The guys who take care of our yard, Miguel and Juan Carlos, are talking to me.  It's early and I can't quite figure out what the big deal is but they seem pretty excited.  It doesn't help matters that I speak only enough Spanish to find the men's room and both of them dabble in English with a great deal of trepidation.

"Senor!...something something something Spanishy...berry berry bad!  The something something &^%@#%$! &&******$&#& (really nasty Spanish stuff) eez eating yard!" 

After some consideration and a look at large hunks of sod that used to be part of the lawn I deduce that what the guys are telling me is that raccoons have declared war on the Copper yard.  This cannot stand!

Apparently raccoons find the grubs that dwell in our well tended turf are like lobster or escargot to these bandits and they will stop at nothing to attain the tender nuggets of grubby goodness.  We'll see how this plays out but I have high hopes for some kind of pellets I bought from one of the "experts" at Home Depot who guaranteed that "this is the formula that renders the grubs not quite so tasty to these animal outlaws".  There was some mention of the grubs going from tasting like raccoon cherries jubilee to liver and onions.  If that doesn't do it, perhaps I'll go with putting up a large picture of Nancy Pelosi to spoil their appetite.  

Nine out of ten raccoons prefer dining on Copper grubs!

In other news......

Jon Corzine, the Wall Street whiz who managed to misplace 1.2 billion dollars in customer money when he ran the MF Global fund, has been spending his days of late telling a congressional committee that he is so clueless he, like Sgt. Schultz of Hogan's Heroes fame, knows NOTHING about where the money went. I'm inclined to believe him. 

Anybody who watched what an absolutely horseshit job he did as a U.S. senator and as governor of the  state of New Jersey knows he is an idiot.  Proof positive comes in a recent assessment of the man by Vice President Joe Biden:  "He's the smartest guy I know in terms of the economy."  President Obama, after accepting some $500,000 in bundled campaign contributions from Corzine, is said to have had him on the short list to head Treasury.  'Nuf said.

"What, me worry?"

FROM OUR OVERSEAS DESK........

Does this bad boy make you hot?

An Egyptian news outlet has reported that an Islamic cleric in Europe has ordered Muslim women to prevent "sexual thoughts" by staying away from bananas, cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, and other phallic produce.  The unnamed sheikh advises that if women want to eat these kinds of food they need to cut them into smaller pieces.  Well, actually they need to have a man cut them, in private, preferably he should be a relative, because the foods "resemble the male penis" and could "make them think of sex."

fully neutered erotic veggie

Let's see a show of hands.  How many of us are damn glad these wackjob morons haven't taken over the world....YET??

DATELINE///  Albequerque, N.M.

    A 13 year-old boy was handcuffed and taken to juvenile detention for burping in class.  The boy allegedly burped audibly in P.E. class and his teacher, (see coach), called a school resource officer, (see rent-a-cop), to complain about the disruption.

Who knew that this was a felony??

I plan to turn myself in just as soon as I file this fine report.  I'm sure that there is at least a fifty year statute of limitations on an offense as grave as this.  I would also expect that many of my gutter-snipe buddies of yore would like  to join me in this mea culpa.  

I'll meet you at the Principal's office my fellow miscreants.  Please step forward Misters.: Erickson, White, Hall, Boyd, Chamberlain, Cooper, you too Swanson, .....right now!  And bring your bicarbonate.

"Brrrraaaaaaappp!!!"

AND STAY OUT!!

One fat freeloading bastard down and hundreds to go.

The pudgy putz who gave us the housing crisis, Barney Frank, having raped and pillaged the taxpayers for more than thirty years, is leaving his comfy gig in congress and heading home.  Well, probably not "home" to the district he currently represents in Massachusetts but, more likely, his home in the  District of  Columbia where he, like all the other professional politicians, is certainly at "home". No doubt he'll become some sort of lobbyist and harvest his green without the inconvenience  of that pesky regulation he has to work around now.   Beside that Mr. Frank probably took a long look at his newly re-drawn home congressional district and surmised he didn't have a snowball's chance to run his line of crap past an additional 300 thousand constituents and thus decided to head for the hills with his fat congressional pension and perks.  

Barney "Mr. Personality" Frank

It was hilarious to watch this elder statesman of the left during an exit interview on the ever more insipid Today Show yesterday.  Tossing softballs his way was Savannah Guthrie, a journalist so lightweight she needs lead boots just to stay earthbound.  Ms. Guthrie in four routine and surprisingly un-fawning questions managed to piss off old Barn to the point where he said, "You've managed to ask all sort of negative questions.....It's gotcha' journalism.  It's gotcha' politics.  And it does lessen our chances to get things done."  Classic!  How dare anyone ask a question about what Barney may have done with our money.

Here is a guy who for years as the chairman of the Financial Services Committee assured us that everything was just dandy with  Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and the American taxpayer had nothing to worry about regarding all those mortgage loans made to people who clearly didn't have the ability to service the debt.  He and his pals bought the votes of these deadbeats and did it with our money.  Instead of arresting him, his co-conspirators let him and his buddy, Chris Dodd, author the Dodd-Frank bill to re-make the U.S. financial industry.  (By the way...we are still waiting for the promised release of the particulars of Mr. Dodd's home loans from Countrywide Financial.  Those will probably made public around the same time Bill Clinton's medical, John Kerry's military and Barack Obama's college records are put forth for our inspection.)

Giving Dodd and Frank the task of writing a bill to define the rules and regulations of the nation's financial industry was much like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys--NEVER a good idea.  

But, that's where we are.

Chris Dodd is no longer in the Senate and Barney Frank has the money in the trunk, the car running and one foot out the door, and we.......uh......we have Dodd/Frank.  Thanks fellas!

So, who takes Barney's place on the House Financial Services Committee?

Maxine "gimme the money" Waters

Sweet Jesus! November 2012 can't get here soon enough!