You CAN'T Make It Up

The guys who take care of our yard, Miguel and Juan Carlos, are talking to me.  It's early and I can't quite figure out what the big deal is but they seem pretty excited.  It doesn't help matters that I speak only enough Spanish to find the men's room and both of them dabble in English with a great deal of trepidation.

"Senor!...something something something Spanishy...berry berry bad!  The something something &^%@#%$! &&******$&#& (really nasty Spanish stuff) eez eating yard!" 

After some consideration and a look at large hunks of sod that used to be part of the lawn I deduce that what the guys are telling me is that raccoons have declared war on the Copper yard.  This cannot stand!

Apparently raccoons find the grubs that dwell in our well tended turf are like lobster or escargot to these bandits and they will stop at nothing to attain the tender nuggets of grubby goodness.  We'll see how this plays out but I have high hopes for some kind of pellets I bought from one of the "experts" at Home Depot who guaranteed that "this is the formula that renders the grubs not quite so tasty to these animal outlaws".  There was some mention of the grubs going from tasting like raccoon cherries jubilee to liver and onions.  If that doesn't do it, perhaps I'll go with putting up a large picture of Nancy Pelosi to spoil their appetite.  

Nine out of ten raccoons prefer dining on Copper grubs!

In other news......

Jon Corzine, the Wall Street whiz who managed to misplace 1.2 billion dollars in customer money when he ran the MF Global fund, has been spending his days of late telling a congressional committee that he is so clueless he, like Sgt. Schultz of Hogan's Heroes fame, knows NOTHING about where the money went. I'm inclined to believe him. 

Anybody who watched what an absolutely horseshit job he did as a U.S. senator and as governor of the  state of New Jersey knows he is an idiot.  Proof positive comes in a recent assessment of the man by Vice President Joe Biden:  "He's the smartest guy I know in terms of the economy."  President Obama, after accepting some $500,000 in bundled campaign contributions from Corzine, is said to have had him on the short list to head Treasury.  'Nuf said.

"What, me worry?"

FROM OUR OVERSEAS DESK........

Does this bad boy make you hot?

An Egyptian news outlet has reported that an Islamic cleric in Europe has ordered Muslim women to prevent "sexual thoughts" by staying away from bananas, cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, and other phallic produce.  The unnamed sheikh advises that if women want to eat these kinds of food they need to cut them into smaller pieces.  Well, actually they need to have a man cut them, in private, preferably he should be a relative, because the foods "resemble the male penis" and could "make them think of sex."

fully neutered erotic veggie

Let's see a show of hands.  How many of us are damn glad these wackjob morons haven't taken over the world....YET??

DATELINE///  Albequerque, N.M.

    A 13 year-old boy was handcuffed and taken to juvenile detention for burping in class.  The boy allegedly burped audibly in P.E. class and his teacher, (see coach), called a school resource officer, (see rent-a-cop), to complain about the disruption.

Who knew that this was a felony??

I plan to turn myself in just as soon as I file this fine report.  I'm sure that there is at least a fifty year statute of limitations on an offense as grave as this.  I would also expect that many of my gutter-snipe buddies of yore would like  to join me in this mea culpa.  

I'll meet you at the Principal's office my fellow miscreants.  Please step forward Misters.: Erickson, White, Hall, Boyd, Chamberlain, Cooper, you too Swanson, .....right now!  And bring your bicarbonate.

"Brrrraaaaaaappp!!!"