I'm NOT running. Of course I realize that I'm letting the country down by not seeking the presidency, but my two year Army stint was more than enough to convince me that I am incapable of tolerating any additional government service. Keeping commies out of Kansas while dealing with the olive drab bureaucracy was enough for this loyal American. Political correctness and playing well with others will never be part of my job description.
That said, it is imperative that I begin this WAY early assessment of the ever growing field of candidates who think they are good enough and smart enough to lead us out of the full tilt disaster wrought by the Obama administration, a chore almost beyond mortal man or woman. However, since there is no dearth of candidates willing to apply for such a big job, let's take advantage of the seventeen months we have to make up our mind and vet those who are expressing interest in the gig.
Since the Republican field is overflowing, let's begin there.
Lindsey Graham: A "confirmed" bachelor from South Carolina who looks like he lettered in glee club and got scout merit badges in knitting. NO CHANCE!
Rand Paul: Looks like a deranged duck. Some good ideas for a 1930's isolationist. It's amazing that a guy who is an eye doctor can't see himself in the mirror and know that his looks have NEVER EVER won a presidential election.
Donald Trump: Yeah, right. He pulls this every four years just to get his mush on TV. A major blowhard, with whom I generally agree, who will withdraw before the primaries even start. A joke.
Jeb Bush: Really?! Another one? This guy is "democrat lite". Another rich guy who isn't quite sure why he's running. Pass.
Ted Cruz: The creepy guy who got pantsed a lot in high school. Very smart but un-electable. How could someone so smart be so dumb? No people skills. Even his Republican colleagues hate him.
Ben Carson: A wonderful story of hard work and success. He's not a jerk or a liar, so has no future in politics. A great doctor and a good and decent man who would be a terrific surgeon general.
Mike Huckabee: Just what the country needs, another hillbilly governor from Arkansas! This corn pone phony should just take his TV money and go home. Former governors in overalls make lousy presidents.
Rick Santorum: This jackass just doesn't get it. He looks like he's running for student body president. Nobody likes him. He couldn't even get re-elected in Pennsylvania.
Carly Fiorina: The absolute BEST candidate for the highest office in the land. She's smart, answers questions, and does not equivocate. The only candidate who knows what it's like to have a real job in the private sector, she went from being a secretary to president of a Fortune 500 company. She has been fired for sticking to her principles. You should never trust anyone who hasn't been fired at least once. Our increasingly idiotic electorate is too dumb to vote for her. A pity, as she is superb.
Marco Rubio: Has a real chance to win. A smart guy with good ideas who could pick up enough Hispanic votes to put him over the top. Even though he is young and has only been a senator (we all know how well that worked out with you know who) he is capable of greatness. He scares the dems.
Chris Christy: Probably can't win the Midwest and South because he isn't "nice" enough. I think it would be great to have a president capable of bitch slapping stupid reporters and maybe, please God, taking a swing at Nancy Pelosi.
RALPH KRAMDEN FOR PRESIDENT!
Rick Perry: Not as dumb as he looks.
George Pataki: Seriously?! Nice guy, but no chance. He must be looking for a Veep slot or a good cabinet job.
Scott Walker: Smart, tough, a good governor and--best of all--a college dropout. Hasn't this country suffered enough at the hands of Ivy League educated nitwits? How about a guy with common sense and the ability to get things done? After Carly, I like him best.
And now, the Democrats…
That O'Malley guy from Maryland: Ha ha ha. He will soon return to the obscurity he so richly deserves. A delusional doofus; also a lying commie.
Elizabeth Warren: Hard to recognize without her war bonnet. A Masshole of the first water. A piping hot talking pile of pig flop, flies swarm at the mention of her name.
Jim Webb: A former Republican turned Democrat. A good writer and a smart guy who seems at sea with his opinions. We could, and have, done much worse. He and Rick Perry are the only two in the running who are military veterans, an important fact.
Hillary Clinton: Richard Nixon in a pantsuit. A confirmed liar who will do and say ANYTHING to get elected. America now has more than enough voters not encumbered by facts or historical knowledge to slide her ample carcass into the White House. The good news is that odds are better than even that it will take her devoted husband, Bill, less than six months to get caught porking the help. Comedy gold!
And there you have it, our candidate pool for 2016. The most powerful thing we have in life is choice. It's just too bad these are all we have from which to choose.
If you need me for further advice, I'll be busy boating with my grandson in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where men are men and the women are after them.
Life is sweet, until I turn on the news.
|Doing boat stuff with grandson Dan|