They Went That-Away Pardner

Hopalong Cassidy

Sorry, "Brokeback Mountain" doesn't count.
At the local cineplex or on our TVs Westerns have ridden into the celluloid sunset.  Replaced by dopey super hero schlock, teenage romances and flicks built around multiple car chases, the "horse opera" is now at home among the dusty DVDs of those who still remember and revere Hoppy, Gene, Hoot, Roy, the Cartwrights and other saddle pals of our youth.  Oh, we have the Western Channel, available on Direct 'TV and select cable systems offering a steady source of old west fair but finding cowboys anyplace else is like panning for gold.  Now and then there's a nugget but mostly you're wasting your time.

Westerns were always fun and easy to understand.  The good guys really did wear white hats--Hoppy and Pat excepted--and the stories were guaranteed to be resolved on a high note complete with a moral message confirming that truth and justice were the foundation of the American west.

Hoot Gibson

Gene and Pat

I especially miss some of the ever present western plot devices that have faded with the genre.  The always popular convenient knockout of a character that, instead of putting him in a coma, resulted in a five to fifteen minute nap that allowed either a good or bad guy to accomplish an element critical to the plot.  How many sheriffs were knocked unconscious when a low down dirty varmint whacked them over the head with the butt of a pistol?  Rocks and whiskey bottles accomplished the same thing without ever killing or maiming.

"Quicksand!!"

Quicksand as an added element of peril was everywhere in both television shows and movies about the old west.  How characters managed to fall into these deadly bogs of ick located in the middle of mostly arid mountainous country puzzled me even as a child.  I don't know about you, but I've managed to live my entire life without once coming across any quicksand.  That situation was usually good for a dying confession or a last minute rescue depending largely on whether the hapless victim was a good guy or bad guy.  This would likely work well on modern shows set in the deep south.  "NCIS New Orleans" anyone?  Perhaps we should alert that writing staff to the splendorous propensities of QUICKSAND.

Cattle stampedes were always good for dispatching characters.  Runaway stagecoaches chalked up their share of casualties as well.  Frankly I wouldn't mind seeing any of these tried and true plot devices worked into the increasingly stupid "reality" shows the TV nets seem determined to foist upon us.  I'll admit to having seen only the debut episode of the Survivor series but it only took me five minutes to decide that I wanted every single one of the show's participants DEAD.

"Dad burn, that's funny!"

If we can't have Bonanza, Have Gun Will Travel, Gunsmoke and the rest of those fine old sagas of the west, how about  stampeding a bunch of reality show participants into a patch of quicksand?  Or, even better, have Ryan Seacrest and all those annoying bastards on American Idol and The Voice dragged through town behind Wild Bill Hickok's horse while Gabby Hayes and Andy Devine cackle in the background?  I'd definitely watch that!

Andy Devine