Wise Guy? Maybe Not So Much These Days

Like the veteran pitcher who all of a sudden has lost his fastball, I have lately noticed a marked fall off in my ability to recall perfectly useless bits of information.  Until recently I was THE MAN when bar bets were settled or long running feuds ended.  Friends could count on me to know that Gloria Winters was the original  "Babs" on TV's "Life of Riley" before she went on to fame as Uncle Sky's niece, Penny, on the "Sky King"series.  Of course 

we all know that Lugene Sanders was Babs from 1953-58.  Elementary.  Or, how about anything to do with the Three Stooges?  I have my PHD in Stooge.

Baseball trivia?  No problem.  Charlie "Paw Paw" Maxwell could always be counted on to smack a homer or two for the Detroit Tigers whenever he was in the line-up on Sundays. 

Don't ask me why, I just know that kind of stuff.  As long as it isn't useful, I WILL RECALL.  Anything important like Ohm's Law, long division, my phone number, or what I had for lunch...UH.....I'll have to get back to you on that. 

 I will confess to being more than a little concerned of late that it is taking me longer, sometimes painfully so, to haul up some of the nuggets of nonsense that hang like sleeping bats in my belfry.  Is it creeping age?  Too much input jamming the circuits?  Or, and this is the one that haunts all of us over sixty, is it the beginning of dementia?  That one keeps me awake at night.  

I'm guessing that getting older just means that it takes you a little longer to rummage around the old cranium to find things.  I know it takes me l o n g e r to engage in other activities these days; so why not mental gymnastics too?  And what is the point in worrying about it?  The Internet is ready to save the day every time I find myself going nuts trying to remember the name of some character actor who happens to be in a movie I'm watching.  (Linda never appreciates it, but I think it's more than slightly important to know that Whit Bissel was outstanding as one of the white coated scientists in The Creature From the Black Lagoon.)  Instead of "Shut up! I'm trying to watch the movie", she should be thanking me for putting her wise to one of the finest and most versatile actors of his generation.  

Well, I'm not going to get too concerned about losing some of my trivial mental agility.  There are more goofy baseball names and statistics coming my way this season and Google and the Internet Movie Database will be there to back me up when the cobwebs overtake my memory bank.  I'm not worried.

I won' t worry until I no longer can tell the difference between Three Stooges movies featuring Larry, Moe and Curly and the flicks starring Shemp.  

If that happens, put a couple of rounds in my hat.

PLEASE!

Super Fans Should Take The Money And RUN!

Now they want to sue.

The hard core Super Bowl fans who got rooked out of their seats for the big game by a probably over zealous Dallas fire marshal now want to sue the NFL for breach of contract.  The 400 people relegated to watching Green Bay and Pittsburgh bash each others brains in for football's penultimate prize had to watch on big screen TVs in standing-room only locations around the stadium. They are not at all pleased with the NFL's offer of a ticket to next year's Super Bowl and a cash payment of $2400 or a ticket to ANY future Super Bowl and round-trip airfare and hotel accommodations.

COME ON!!

What the hell is the matter with these people?  First of all, who relishes the thought of being crammed into a seat amid thousands of liquored up, overweight, sweaty football fanatics (especially Texans) just to sort of enjoy a limited view of what is usually a fairly boring game?  These morons should take the money, use the freebie airfare or hotel chit and then scalp the complimentary Super ticket and use the additional cash to have a good time in whatever metro wasteland the NFL is trying to screw next year.

Granted, I view this whole scene with a jaundiced eye.  I'm a baseball fan who can't wait for Spring training to begin.  Football is something I follow with the same level of interest I gave high school Geometry;  that is to say, not much.  I half way watch a game or two every Sunday during the regular season but, unless the 49rs are hot, I can be net surfing or reading a magazine while the action is underway.  Probably the Chargers have made me this way, thank you Dean Spanos and A.J. Smith.

Comparing baseball to football is the equivalent of comparing chess to "go fish"and Charger football is simply fishing without a worm on your hook.

This year the Super Bowl held NO interest for me.  Both teams were favorites of former bosses of mine so the level of hate I have for the Steelers and Packers pretty much has no bounds.  Sort of like the anti Wil Rogers I "never met a boss I didn't hate".  Starting in November, I carefully screened any phone call that might involve a Super Bowl party invitation.  Why do people insist on have those damn things anyway?!  When Super Sunday arrived I, for the first year EVER, watched not a single down of the game.  Linda and I drove downtown to meet a nephew who was in San Diego on business; picked him up and went to dinner.  Not only did we have no trouble with traffic, we got caught up with Steve while enjoying attentive service in a nearly empty popular restaurant.  No reservation?  No problem.

On the quiet drive home I promised myself this wouldn't be the last time I took advantage of the SUPER diversion provided annually by the NFL.

God, I hope they don't strike this year.  

Tennis anyone?

Spouse Or Pet? Tough Call

If you had to choose, which one has to go?

According to a new AP-Petside.com poll, a surprising number of married folks would take their pet over their spouse if it came down to it.  To be fair, 84 percent of pet owners would hold on to their spouse or significant other, but a whopping 14 percent picked their four-legged pal over the person they've chosen as a lifetime companion.

Both men and women were equally likely to go with their spouse or significant other, according to the poll, however, women are far more apt than men to say that the choice would "be a tough one".  (Forty percent among women as opposed to twenty-six percent of the men.)  There was also no difference between dog and cat owners:  thirty-five percent said that the choice would be a hard one.  

Personally, having lived in a household with two cats, a wife and two daughters I would have gladly tossed the feline ferrets out after the first hairball, but I was overruled.  Dogs I am willing to cut some slack, but their stock goes way down with each "sidewalk sundae" left in the middle of the living-room floor.  (If you have a spouse who is prone to that attention getting tactic, you're on your own.)

"Baby I'm yours."

All things considered, it would seem obvious that the "pet or spouse" conundrum is entirely relative.  Check out some of these pets and people and ask yourself which one you would choose given an ultimatum.  In other words, who would you be cool with making "no no" on that new oriental rug?

"Which way did he go boys?"

Screams high maintanence.

What the f...???

You'll have to admit he's kind of cute.

Ladies?

My guess is that fido doesn't have a chance

Probably not as faithful as a dog, but it's your call.

Helen, your cab is here!

The aptly named Andy Dick...won't make the cut.

Probably eats Alpo, but gone in a Hoboken heartbeat.

Cat? What cat?  Nope, don't have a dog either.

Skip The Scoop...They Did

"Nothin' says daddy loves you like Kraft mac and cheese and Grey Goose vodka."

The last I heard radio reprobate/nitwit, Ted Williams had checked himself out of re-hab and out of the national spotlight.  It seems that Mr. Williams, who had once soared to the heights of a mediocre radio career in Columbus, Ohio thanks to a decent set of pipes and a daily marinade in a quart of Grey Goose, ankled the drying out farm his daughter and Doctor Phil prescribed for him.  It would seem to merit some attention from the fifth estate, however they appear to have moved on.  The "feel good" story of a guy standing on a corner in Columbus begging for work as an announcer ended for the American press just as soon as he was deemed an overnight success and well on the way to a big career in voice-over work.  As near as I can determine, he was offered a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers and picked up a one time V.O. gig with Kraft macaroni and cheese; then the mainstream media was through with him.  Nobody in big media seemed the least bit interested in the fact that Williams is the father of at least nine children for whom he has provided exactly ZERO support money for, well...forever.  You and I picked up that tab.  No warm fuzzy moments to report, so the gang on the show biz beat took a pass.  No story there.

This woman is "baby mama" to four Ted Williams offspring

Another scoop the press seems to have missed is the very large elephant in the room regarding the tragic shootings in Tucson.  In all of the uproar concerning "hate speech" and "gun control" nobody thought it worthwhile to REPORT the story of the suspect's obvious mental problems or, a bigger story yet, his drug use.  Drugs were, and continue to be, a huge part of this story and yet nobody deems it worthy of probing.

Also, it is amazing that no warm body with a press card thought to question the moral dilemma posed by last week's sight of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner hosting a state dinner for Hu Jintao of China.  After all it is notable that the Chinese president has seen fit to throw the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize winner, merely a citizen of his country, in prison.  No irony, no sir!

No, the boys and girls of the print and broadcast media are way too busy reporting on the latest perceived "civility" infraction by Sarah Palin and the great loss rendered to discourse in America by MSNBC's firing of mega a--hole Keith Olbermann.

About the only story today's journalism school graduates don't miss is the location of the nearest open bar.

Fifty Years Ago Dems Were Different

Lately I've found myself wondering how my parents would vote today.  As a junior high school kid in 1960 I proudly sported a JFK sticker on my class notebook and thought that a guy who wore neither a fedora or "greasy kids' stuff" in his hair had to be the right guy to lead the country.  Nixon?!  Give me a break! 

 Though they guarded their political preferences like the crown jewels, when I reached adulthood my parents were pretty open about who they had voted for in the past.  In 1960 mom had cast her lot with Nixon because, though she was a Stevenson Democrat, she valued security and the safety of the familiar.  The Republicans truly were the Mommy Party of the day.  The party of Ike would keep us out of war and keep us prosperous.

Dad voted for Kennedy.  I think he identified with Kennedy's World War II Navy service in the South Pacific.  They were both about the same age and had been junior officers in that conflict with the Japanese.  It didn't hurt that JFK was a sports fan and a charmer.  No doubt the Marilyn Monroe rumors had dad among the middle-aged males eager to cast their ballots with good ol' Jack when 1964 rolled around.

This week, as if I needed another reminder of just how fast my hourglass is running  down, the news was loaded with feature stories about the fiftieth anniversary of Kennedy's inauguration.  FIFTY YEARS??!!  Holy crap I'm old.

Naturally there has been much made of his terrific speech with its now famous "Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what you can do for your country."  That sentiment resonated with most Americans, especially we baby boomers.  The world was new and we lived in the greatest of all nations; it was time to do great things.

And then he was gone.

For boomers, and no doubt others, the assassination of John Kennedy was a watershed event in our lives. Overnight, just as surely as our favorite Top 40 radio stations went from playing Elvis and Jerry Lee to non-stop funeral music, we were no longer sure that the future held the promise of only good things.  Apparently the good guys didn't always win and tomorrow wasn't necessarily a better day.  We changed.  The country changed.

LBJ, our new president, had jug ears and spoke with a drawl.  He also hammered a philosophy of "entitlements"  owed to Americans just for hanging around.  I remember my dad laughing the first time he heard that one.  I did too.   Seemingly overnight we went from a country of people looking for ways to become even better to a populace looking for politicians to hand us things paid for with our own tax dollars.  No longer "hand outs" they were "entitlements".

Dad never voted for another democrat.  LBJ, so unpopular that he had to forgo a second term of his own, went on to the presidential obscurity he richly deserved.  And, were he alive today, Jack Kennedy would most likely stand by the essence of those words  of fifty years ago and remind us that our only entitlement is the right to strive to make the most of the gifts offered to us by what is still the greatest country in the world.  Then he would begin the nearly impossible task of finding someone for whom he could vote.

Maybe She'll Have A Job For Andy

We have breaking news here at "Out of My Mind".

Among the vast number of readers----okay, two or three, that this blog attracts, one very bright fellow has called our attention to something not yet discovered by the drones employed in conventional media.  Longtime reader, K.B., who wishes to remain anonymous rather than jeopardise his cushy job with a big deal Fortune 500 company, has discovered that beloved television icon Aunt Bea has recently been elected president of Brazil.  At first we dismissed his news tip as the delusional ravings of a man with a real job and a position of respect in his profession.  Responsibility like that can push a person over the edge.  However, K.B. then followed up his tip with photographic proof that, though dead since 1989, indeed Frances Bavier is the new chief honcho in charge of the swinging South American country of Brazil.   She has changed her name to Dilma Rouseff and undergone  a couple of "lifts" and several Botox injections, but there can be little doubt that Aunt Bea is BACK...and Brazil has got her!

Of course this news will have tongues wagging from Mayberry to Siler City.  What personnel changes are in store for that spicy Latin American sovereign nation?  Does Andy have a job?  Floyd the barber?  How about Howard Sprague?  The questions are endless and a waiting world wants to know.At press time one rumor appears to be true.  Word out of Rio has Otis Campbell, the late Hal Smith, taking the job of prison commissioner and Secretary of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

P.C. Police Keep the Country Safe From Funny

Just as the Tijuana Brass no longer has Herb Alpert's back, the U.S. Navy brass has elected to toss Captain Owen Honors overboard for having the temerity to tease his USS Enterprise crew with ribald videos.  We used to call this "busting chops" or "breaking balls",  good natured ribbing that bosses and co-workers engaged in to show that they actually liked each other enough to kid around.  Most of us have experienced it and laughed along at the idiosyncrasies of co-workers as well as our own.  It's what is necessary to keep life and work from becoming one long dental appointment.  But, somewhere along the way this country has decided that instead of a right to laugh at ourselves we are now a nation of folks merely waiting to be insulted about just about ANYTHING.  We are now a nation of humorless crybaby tattletales.  We are afraid to laugh at anything that, god forbid,  might be at someones expense and might  OFFEND THEM!  

Looks like the Captain didn't spare himself when it came to poking fun.

News Flash!!!!!!

ALL humor is offensive.  If you're not offending SOMEbody or SOMEthing you're not being funny.  Only Americans worry about it.

So, now the same people who want to re-write Huckleberry Finn, (what's next? Shakespeare?), want to keel haul Captain Honors for making fun of damn near every sailor on the Enterprise, himself included, with his videos.  No matter that the vast majority of the crew loved him AND his sense of humor, the gutless Navy brass has opted to end his Naval career and waste all that money the taxpayers have forked over for his education and training.  

Admiral John C. Harvey Jr., commander of the U.S. Fleet Forces Command, said that Honors had undermined his credibility with his actions.

"While Captain Honors' performance as commanding officer of USS Enterprise has been without incident, his profound lack of good judgment and professionalism while previously serving as executive officer on Enterprise calls into question his character and completely undermines his credibility to continue to serve effectively in command."

Really??  Did you bother to poll his crew?

It's nice to see that CYA is still the touchstone of life in America's military.   It takes very little integrity to invoke another military acronym recalled from my days in the Army; I'm sure they are familiar with this one in the Navy too.

KMAGYOYO

For the uninitiated:  Kiss My Ass Guys, You're On Your Own.

Please wake me when America comes to its senses and returns Political Correctness  to the old left wing college professors and liberal politicians who wouldn't know funny if it bit them on the ass.

Also, let me know when the Navy is ready to apologize to a good man and return him to his command.