Friday, August 14, 2020

Yeah, I Guess They Work

 Okay, I make a lot of noise.  Well, maybe not more than you do, but certainly more than I thought I did.  The new hearing aids work fine.  I've had them for about a week now and, just as an audio Christopher Columbus would have experienced, a whole new world of sound has presented itself to this old goat.  The new to me music of my coffee maker announcing a ready pot, a knock at the door, a timer going off, and the cacophony of the JACKHAMMER blasting my brains out as work continues on the deck outside my door are a mixed blessing.  I will admit that the cool trick of being able to answer my cell phone and also listen to audiobooks on the devices is a real plus, but the damn things still feel like a bug is stuck in my ears.  Looking like a mental patient while walking down the street while talking is certainly of no concern as I have been doing that for years, though I will admit that blurting out "We're looking for caller 96 for those Doobie Brothers tickets right now" does provoke some interesting looks. 

The real surprise has been the amount of noise my body makes and obviously has been making for several years,  of which I have been completely unaware.  A trip to the bathroom is not unlike a Halloween haunted house adventure with special effects from beyond the grave and don't get me started on the grunts and groans of everyday life.  Okay, do get me started.  Heretofore I had no clue about the "oofs", "ughs", sighs, and moans not to mention the sub rosa of profanity readily available to emanate instantaneously from my lips during the slightest bit of effort.   It's embarrassing!  Picking up the morning paper--yes, I still get one--tying my shoes and getting out of my chair is a catastrophic symphony of audio effort.  I keep looking around for my grandpa.

Eating sounds are a trip down memory lane.  I remember when I was a kid being grossed out by all the smacking and chewing noise associated with mastication.  Well, that's all back!  Just eating an apple sounds like a building demolition or a terrorist IED going off inside my head.  (By the way, how much mastication is too much mastication?)  I have nearly decided to forego wearing hearing aids during meals.  Well, either that or to simply go ahead and starve to death.  Let's see how I feel about that in a week or two.

All things considered, the move to old guy ears has been fairly trouble-free.  I'm saving time and effort by eliminating "huh" and "beg pardon" from my verbal quiver and it's nice to discover that not every movie actor mumbles as much as Marlon Brando.  That whole closed caption experience was getting tiresome.  

I do plan to lay off the aids whenever political commentary rears its ugly head during the weeks ahead and for damn sure won't be employing them anytime music recorded after 1985 foists itself upon my sensibilities.  There is only so much punishment a geezer can take!  

"Turn that crap down!"


No comments: