I'm guessing that it is a slow news week.
Why?
Well, how about the fact that we are now into over seventy hours of non-stop TV coverage of the new security x-ray machines at the airports. You know, the ones that show what your packin' underneath your jockeys or your Victoria's Secret Va Va Va Vooms! And frankly, unless there is something you're not telling us, chances are this will answer the age old question: " Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
What's the big deal? Nobody except the folks working for the TSA will be able to actually see anything. What's more, the image appears to approximate an old black and white negative. AND WHO GETS EXCITED BY THOSE? This, of course, would assume that no teenage boys are currently in the employ of the TSA. Teenage boys get excited when the wind blows.
No, as long as these murdering malodorous dune dwellers continue to offer us a choice of returning with them to the eleventh century or dying, we need to have maximum security at our airports in spite of any inconvenience. That is why I am advising that we take it a step further.
In my previous life I found that a pint of whiskey and some Valium made air travel tolerable. A flask of Jack Daniels hidden in my camera bag and a couple of Valiums would get me as far as St. Louis without much discomfort. After that, it was a crap shoot. So, taking this a step further in the interest of national security,I am suggesting that after our body scan x-ray dealy the TSA people inject us with some sort of knock-out shot that puts us in a deep sleep until we reach our destination. This solves both the problem of the twisted turban types who want to kill us and at the same time makes air travel bearable. It's genius, if I do say so.
Okay...Shoot me up! Don't wake me until we're wheels down in St. Louis.
Better yet...put a tag on my toe and I'll see you at baggage claim.
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