MAMA MIA! There really IS a Hell!!

Until recently, I had assumed that it was impossible to endure a more unpleasant experience than sitting through the entire production of the Broadway musical "Cats".
I was forced to attend this feline musical hairball with my daughter Katie when she was a junior in high school. It was some kind of requirement for a class she was taking, though I later decided it was part of a sick punishment for one of her many teenage indiscretions.
We both HATED it!

It was, like opera, "death by music". God it sucked!

Now comes the almost unbelievably awful news that the movie "Mama Mia!" is in release as a.......SINGALONG!

Oh the humanities!!!! What have we done to deserve this??!! Karaoke and crappy Abba music ALL IN ONE! Pass me that hand grenade....PLEASE.

Haven't I suffered enough? Laying down those ever so heavy Abba hits during my days as a rock n' roll hero on a plethora of pop music radio stations wasn't enough??? Geezus!

Perhaps the good news here is that, at last, we now know where to drop the BIG ONE. A small nuke dispatched to every single theater screening this dreck would at least be a start at ridding the country of the drooling idiots that annoy me so.

DAMN!!! Abba??? Singalong???!!! WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?


In other even more depressing news......

This peanut packin' hillbilly is STILL AROUND! It's bad enough that we are required to watch not one BUT TWO of these dopey conventions within a two week time frame, but we also must endure the insipid insights of the worst president of my lifetime....Jimmy Hurricane Carter.

"John McCain is milking this prisoner of war thing."

What part of "Get out and stay out!" doesn't he understand?


Make this cracker @#$hole go away! I'm begging you!

Since you didn't ask...

If you need one more reason to vote for John McCain, and at this point I can't imagine why you would, here it is:
Harry Ried says he "can't stand John McCain".

Wow! Talk about an endorsement! Nevada's King of Nepotism is right up there with West Virginia's corn pone gasbag Robert "Bobby" Byrd when it comes to congressional pigs at the trough.
This pusillanimous putz has the balls of a second story burglar as he breaks into our piggy banks on an almost daily basis. It also doesn't help that he looks like everybody's high school principal. You know...the one who told you he was paddling your ass "for your own good". Bastard!
Do you think the RNC can get all of that on a bumper sticker?

Here are a couple of other items that have my shorts in a knot:

John Haines of Colorado has offered to donate a giant chunk of snow-white marble to replace the cracked Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.
Seems simple enough doesn't it?
NO. The federal government says he can't do it! Thurman Higgenbotham the deputy superintendent of Arlington says that congress requires this job to be put up for bid. The latest estimate is that this will cost us taxpayers somewhere around $2.2 million dollars. Mr. Higgenbotham says that it's important that Arlington make the tomb right again and I agree.
However, what I want to know is who is the numbnuts in charge of shopping for the government?
$2.2 million dollars...or FREE??? Uh....let's see, which one is the better deal? Get Trump on the horn.


And...since I'm venting.
From now on I am making it a rule that no adults can eat corn on the cob in front of another human being. I realize that this is harsh, but it must become the law of the land.
Corn on the cob is delicious, but from this day forward if you are over the age of eight you must gnaw on this food by yourself in the bathroom or over the kitchen sink.

Kids are cute when they tackle corn on the cob.









ADULTS ARE NOT!

Re-Thinking the OLYMPICS

Perhaps I was too hasty; maybe even unpatriotic.
Whatever got into this ALL AMERICAN boy?

How could I have written off the Olympic competition that has captured the attention of the world? How did I miss the emergence of the most exciting new sport of my lifetime? How could I have overlooked Misty May-Treanor, Kerri Walsh and the rest of the magnificent bombshells of the beatific and challenging WOMEN'S' BEACH VOLLEYBALL??!!

Hubba hubba hubba and God bless America! Now, this really is MUST SEE TV! Just where the hell has NBC been hiding this fine old American sport from we die hard Olympic fans?

I'm not yet certain how they keep score or how you can tell who's supposed to be doing what, but I soldier on. This is the American dream writ large and in high definition.

One question: Why isn't it on ALL THE TIME?
Hell, I'd sit through nothing but Billy May's "Mighty Putty" and Mitch's "ShamWow" commercials to feast my eyes on this riveting All American competition.
Is this Fall's NBC schedule already set? I think that a couple of hours of primetime seven nights a week would blow the roof off their Nielson numbers. And, think of all the Texas sized HDTVs rolling out the door of Best Buy and Costco. The beach babes could turn the whole damned American economy around. It's something to bring a tear to the eye of every lecherous capitalist in the good ol' U. S. of A.

From John Wayne in "The Sands of Iwo Jima" to "Misty, Kerri, and the Sand Babes of Santa Monica", this truly is the grandest country on the face of the earth. The commies have NOTHING to compare!

Oh yeah, did I mention that we now have chocolate bacon too?
It's available on the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz, California.
"Bacon...It's not just for breakfast anymore" is the marketing line being used by Joseph Marini III, a fourth generation candy maker who invented the delicious concoction.

Womens' Beach Volleyball and chocolate bacon...God Bless the USA!

Hand me my remote. I want to slo mo this volley.

Tell Putin to POUND SAND!

What ELSE is on?

Cycling, Diving, swimming? COME ON!!
As if those weren't bad enough, there is also the thrill a minute fun of gymnastics and rowing.

Here's what I won't be watching on TV today, tomorrow, or...EVER: THE OLYMPICS!

God, what a bore!! The only thing that could possibly create a scintilla of interest in this international snooze fest is if the IOC were to sanction some form of parimutual wagering. You know...GAMBLING! Fifty bucks riding on the outcome of a rowing competition might enhance my ability to keep my eyes open, but maybe not. Make it $100.
Who picks these damn events? Where is the Fun Factor?

How about an eating contest or a demolition derby? My old pal, "The Skipper", could round up at least a couple of classic heaps that would be worthy contenders and I know we could count on him for the eating contest. Let's start getting CREATIVE Olympic committee!!!

By the way...When did McDonald's quit charging fifteen cents for their hamburgers? I guess maybe I haven't stopped by the Golden Arches in awhile. Weren't they fifteen cents a couple of weeks ago? Perhaps a few too many days have rolled by since I last "gave myself a break" at Mc D's. The Wall Street Journal has a piece about modifications to the McDonald's menu that references a change in their "Dollar Menu". Dollar Menu???!!!! What culinary delights involving paper thin burgers and fry-o-later grease could cost more than a few cents?

According to the Journal, there are only eight items on the McDonald's menu that range in price from $1.09 to $2.00. Wouldn't $2.00 entitle you to a slice of the franchise???!! It's hamburgers and fries in the name of all that's holy!!! And now they even have $3 lattes???
Kill me now!

Here's a thought: An Olympic eating contest sponsored by Mc Donald's! We could get those cholestoral cuties Fritzy and Frieda Frizzel the original "Sizzle Sisters". You no doubt remember their fine work in the Cheetos Crunch Off in 2006. Those gals really put the thigh in Thigh Master.


Quick! Get the IOC on the line. We'll put a Ton-O-Fun in these games yet.

My $50 is on the fat one.

Wonder Where the Mellow Went?

So there we were, in heaven. Really!
Linda and I met our daughter Katie and her husband Doug at a new San Diego Gaslamp Quarter restaurant called the Cowboy Star. It was perfect.
Pictures of my childhood pals Gene Autry, Gabby Hayes, Roy Rogers, and Hoppy were everywhere. And while we were busy taking our cowboy utensils to a perfect steak, elk chop and delicious piece of bison the sweet sounds of Johnny Cash, Tex Ritter, Roy, Gene and other famous sons of the saddle sung us into a cowboy coma of delight. Yee Haw!!! It was a perfect evening.

When it was time to head for the bunkhouse Linda and I said our "Happy Trails" to the kids and boarded a northbound Coaster train for the not so wide open spaces of northern San Diego county.
You know how it is on a train or a plane. It's impossible not to overhear the idle conversation of your neighbors and to try and guess a little something about them. One young guy just a few seats ahead of us was making small talk with some folks from Utah. Okay fine.
That is it was fine until I heard this: "Utah? That's right near Kansas City isn't it?"
WHAT???!!!
How could this be?? I looked up. The young man who uttered this imbecilic statement appeared to be in his early thirties. Was it possible that he could have attained those years without ever looking at a map of his own country? What a freaking moron!
I had to erase this from my melon or it would make me NUTS. At first I was successful.
Then, when I awoke this morning I heard another one of the brain dead radio commercials being foisted upon our ears by the California Teachers Union. They are all pretty much the same:

"The governor wants to cut spending for education. You can't let that happen! Blah blah blah."

For the union the solution, of course, is always one that involves spending ever more tax dollars on teacher salaries and making sure that classroom sizes are smaller. Well, I'm with them on teacher salaries. Teachers should make more money than anyone. GOOD teachers. Unfortunately the union wants no part of any kind of meaningful teacher evaluation and continues to protect incompetent and useless teachers at the expense of rewarding teachers who actually TEACH effectively. You know...making sure that students know where Utah and Kansas City are on the map.
As far as the smaller class size goes, Japan has proven that is a canard since, well...forever.

I turned off the radio, (something that grows increasingly easy), and headed downstairs. After a little juice and cereal, I grabbed some coffee and the morning paper and headed for the easy chair that has my groove. Things were going to be okay.

In the Currents section of the San Diego Union-Tribune my eyes fell upon a feature about Pamela Anderson and some new reality show that seems to revolve around her. As I skimmed through the latest on Pam's love life and how she and her ex, Tommy Lee, now live together as "good friends" in their Malibu mansion I noticed that she now has feelings for yet another man: Barack Obama.

"I love him," she said. "I think he's going to win. I like that he's opening up conversations all over the world. I think he's smart and charismatic. I think it's important to have a president that people actually like. I know my kids want to be like him. I think he has a great message. It will be nice when people like America again."




Just a guess, but I'm betting that long division was hard for her too.

Damn teachers!