Paging General Patton!

In the 1950's there was a Texaco jingle that went, "You can trust your car to the man who wears the star".
Today your chances of finding anything but a chance to pump your own gas at a Texaco station are pretty much nonexistent.

In the Army it was said only a fool would trust a general because once a man had put on a star he became a politician and was no longer a soldier. George Patton was probably the last general officer the Army produced who truly didn't give a rat's ass about politics. He merely wanted to lead his troops to victory and keep America safe from the tyrants of the world.

As a newly commissioned Army lieutenant I found myself in a Signal Corp school at Fort Gordon, Georgia studying the operation of field radios used by the infantry. The courses were highly technical and boring but necessary if you wanted to stay alive in combat. At the time, all of us in the class had orders for duty in South Vietnam. The study module was to last eight weeks and we were subjected to written and operational tests at the end of each segment of instruction. During one written test my pal, John Hall, and I noticed that the Captain teaching the class had accidentally handed out an extra test to our row. Seeking to amuse ourselves we decided to answer all the questions with profane and sexually explicit funny responses. (You know...."A" material.) When we finished we handed in the extra test and signed it--we had to sign all our tests--with the name of the General who was the commandant of the Army signal school. We thought it was a scream.

After a break, the Captain went nuts and wanted to know who had done this horrible thing with his test. He asked that the culprit identify himself and waited for one of us to stand up. Hall and I stayed put. The Captain then accused one of the other lieutenants by name. "Lieutenant Allison come forward immediately!"
The rest of the class then pointed out to this hopeless stooge that Lieutenant Allison was absent that day because of some dental emergency. The Captain was beside himself. (It never occurred to this nimrod that he might have passed out an extra test.) He then excused himself for about thirty minutes while we all sat there wondering what would happen. Hall and I were wondering if the food would be better at Leavenworth instead of Vietnam.
When the Captain returned he placed the test we had turned in for the General on the overhead projector. He then proceeded to read the very creative answers John and I had provided for the "big guy". The Captain was laughing out loud and made a big show of how funny the whole incident was. You see, the Captain had taken our "test" to the General and it was now apparent that the General had----GASP----LAUGHED!
The General had thought it was FUNNY; so now the Captain thought it was funny.
The General laughs and we all laugh. That's how a Captain makes Major and Major makes Lieutenant Colonel and a Colonel..........makes...
You get the idea.

The horrible tragedy of this past week at Fort Hood is the direct result of nobody having the swinging Oswalds to speak the truth about a nutjob Major who, because he was Muslim, was allowed to continue to serve in our military in the interest of diversity and political correctness. Thirteen good Americans have paid the price for this and it is a disgrace all because someone with a star didn't have the guts to acknowledge terrorism in the ranks. This is a philosophy that originates at the very top of our chain of command and values catering to the base even if it means sacrificing truth and the security of America on the alter of political expediency.

The people who no longer recognize a "war on terror" and worry about the "awful" Patriot Act and waterboarding murderous zealot dirtbags, not to mention closing Guantanamo, need to re-think their game plan.


General George Casey is no George Patton and ignoring the fifth column of terrorists in our ranks gets us nowhere. This is not a problem for the criminal justice system. This is WAR! The consequence of continuing to ignore the obvious is unacceptable.
We need to find some leaders who see the big picture.....Leaders who know when the enemy is peeing on our shoes and telling us that it's raining.
The clock is ticking on this untenable situation.
Those who hate us think we're weak.
Lead, or get out of the way.
NOW!

"The guy is an idiot....Let's make him V.P.

Maybe you've seen the ads for the latest e-reader device being promoted by the venerable Barnes & Noble bookseller. It's called...the Nook-e.

Like the Kindle from the folks at Amazon it is an electronic nightmare designed to make reading a book more like watching TV.

This is obviously an idea hatched by some imbecilic vice president with plenty of time on his or her hands. Why in the name of Ernest Hemingway and all that's holy would anyone want to read a book that requires batteries and can't be underlined or dog-eared????

And, while we're at it, why would you name such an invention the "NOOKIE"?! (Unless, of course, your plan is to market this moronic device exclusively to teenage boys.)

For years vice presidents of all sorts of corporations have been producing crap like this because, well, that's what they do. Vice presidents are nitwits who couldn't quite make president (see Biden, Joe) and have been around long enough to have either incriminating photos of the REALLY big bosses or have married into the family.

It's the American way. "This guy is a useless dope let's make him a V.P. just to get him out of the way."

In the 1960's Western Airlines launched a V.P. inspired ad campaign called "Western pays a buck a flub". The advertising featured a big time TV ad where a heavenly chorus jingled that the airline would pay each and every passenger a dollar every time the company made a mistake. If the flight attendant, then called a stewardess, failed to say "please" or "thank you" you could hit them up for a dollar. It seemed such a good idea.

Western pulled the commercials after a couple of weeks to prevent the company from going under. It's a really bad idea to pay for mistakes when your company is a world class airborne misfortune.

Another vice president of yet another really horrible airline, rumored to be United, is said to have run a promotion called "Take Me Along" in the late 1950's. The idea, no doubt hatched after many cocktails, was to encourage the wives of executives to accompany their husband on his next business trip. After the first wave of commercials ran business was up substantially and the V.P.'s were all patting themselves on the back when one of them decided that it would be a fine idea to follow up the campaign with a letter to the spouses who had "been taken along".

Shortly after the first few hundred responses asking "What trip?" the program was abruptly abandoned.

In the broadcasting business the program director who has destroyed the ratings at the most number of stations in a corporation usually gets the nod to be the Programming Vice President. These guys specialize in producing a ton of fatuous memos regarding how to introduce the traffic or what inflection to use when saying station call letters.

The famous drop of live turkeys from a helicopter as a Thanksgiving promotion was most certainly the work of a vice president. .

John Nance Garner is remembered for saying "The vice presidency isn't worth a bucket of spit." (For the record: I don't think he said "spit".)

Here is my theory: A vice president is someone who wears his hat to the bathroom so that he'll know which end to wipe.

Soupy, Pies, and why we're fat

When I was a kid growing up in Michigan there was this wacky guy who seemed to be on channel 7 in Detroit almost ALL the time. Soupy Sales was his name and pies in the face were his game. The guy was a scream. My folks thought he was dumb, which was the "Coolness Seal of Approval" for my pals and me.

He was born Milton Supman in, of all places, Franklinton, North Carolina and, depending on who's counting, he took somewhere between ten and twenty thousand pies in the face during his career. Pies in the face always make me laugh. (Admit it, they do it for you too.) After a long run in Detroit he split for L.A. where stars like Frank Sinatra, Tony Curtis and Shirley Mclaine lined up to get splattered by one of ol' Soup's cream pies. It was low comedy as high art.

White Fang, Black Tooth, Willy the Worm, Pookie the Lion and Soupy's girl Peaches were all part of the cast of wacky characters that made his show appointment television. There was nobody else like him. As Old Blue Eyes would say, "Soupy was a real gasser!"

Soupy Sales died last week at the age of 83. I was lucky enough to have had him on my radio show in 1998 when he was in San Diego to play the Comedy Store in La Jolla. My radio partner, Cynthia Heath-Kerrigan, and I had a blast hosting him. Cindy even won raves from Soupy for her "Soupy Shuffle" abilities. He was a joy to have in studio. The phone lines were completely lit for the entire show and he gladly took questions from callers all morning long. He made terrific radio just like he made great TV. In fact, during the 1970's, Soupy was a key member of one of the finest radio line-ups ever assembled in America. On WNBC in New York he was sandwiched between Don Imus in the mornings and Howard Stern and Wolfman Jack in afternoons and nights respectively.

For my money, Soupy Sales is proof positive that God does indeed have a sense of humor.

As long as we're on funny stuff......

I have a website you need to check out. Thatswhyyourefat.com is a goofy site that features pictures of some of the most outrageous culinary concoctions ever to appear on a plate.

AMAZING STUFF!

Here are some of my favorites.....

The Horseshoe sandwich from my hometown of Springfield, Illinois. (meat with eggs smothered with cheese and french fries)

The Rubix Cubewich

The Bypass

Cheesecake parfait
Cap'n Crunch donut

And.....my favorite! Deep fried bologna sticks.....Ummmmm good!

And......

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FAT!

How about a BIG slice of cream pie? We'll put it on Soupy's tab.

Let's all watch the ROLLER DERBY!

Here is something to worry about...
Since the dirtbags and douche bags who run our federal government refuse to utilize the oil and gas reserves we are blessed to have at our disposal, it seems that we now have to worry about our GOOD FRIENDS in Saudi Arabia having to make do with fewer yachts in years to come. You see, in an effort to cut our carbon output, (I've got your carbon output right here!), the good folks at OPEC are worried and whimpering about not being able to make as much money as they have in the past. In other words...the pusher is worried about the junkie heading for rehab and feels entitled to compensation.
You can't make this stuff up! I merely report the news.

DIRTBAGS

DOUCHE BAGS

My suggestion is this:

Let's all watch Roller Derby! There is a brand new movie staring Drew Barrymore that opens soon and it got me to thinking about how much I miss that wonderfully American form of television entertainment. Many of us boomers spent countless happy hours watching the hair-pull on wheels that is exciting derby action in glorious and snowy black & white. I don't know about you, but I never understood any of the rules of the sport, in fact maybe there weren't any. It was just a damn fine way to spend a Saturday afternoon.


NBC should bring back Roller Derby in prime time. Even though he's supposedly a very nice guy, Jay Leno just isn't cutting it five nights a week against any of the CBS, ABC or FOX doctor, lawyer or cop shows. They need help and Roller Derby is the answer. Hell, if NBC doesn't want it, maybe we could send old derby kinescopes to those Arab oil sheiks. I'm surprised congress hasn't thought of that! (Oh yeah, they're dirtbags and douche bags.) After all, these guys wear their laundry on their heads. How tough can it be to amuse them?

Roller Derby and a picture of my grandson Danny. (I had to work in a new snapshot.) How could the rest of the world resist?

I wonder if our new head honcho has an Entertainment/Energy Czar slot open for me?

Buckle Up Kid...We'll have some fun

I hope he didn't get the "party" gene.
His mom has it; so does his dad.
Oops.....as I recall, grandpa has it too.


Oh well, as long as we can steer him clear of, uh.....just about everybody we know, he should be alright.

On the other hand, LET'S PARTY!!!

Daniel Danger Diepholz has arrived. (I think that middle name is way cool.)


He got here at exactly 1PM on October 15 and has already charmed the diapers off all the little girls on the fifth floor of Mary Birch Hospital. Too bad he still can't find his Johnson.

"The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter." ee cummings

Just wait until you see some of the surprises grandpa has in store for you my young friend.

It's going to be a hell of a ride.

Ordering from the GEEZER menu

I lost 5 pounds just by traveling! Ask me how....


It's easy really. We've been on the road for the past several days and that used to mean coming home at least a little bit W I D E R.

No more! Now my wife and I start losing pounds the minute we buckle up aboard one of the concentration camp inspired contraptions we call commercial airliners. (What the hell happened to that upscale experience we used to call flying?????) Now it's little, or usually NO food, for even cross country safaris. Sorry.....I don't count the free Coke or Pepsi. My now gargantuan "old guy" prostate can no longer accommodate that kind of aggravation. Also, the airborne outhouse is to be avoided at all costs. The last time I was forced to enter one of those hell holes I flashed back to my Army basic training and ran screaming like a twelve year-old girl back to my less than comfortable seat. (Who designs those instruments of torture? Circus people??)

So, both of us lose a couple of pounds spending a day in the air. That's good; we need it.

When we reach our destination there is now good news for aging baby boomers. Most restaurants now offer "senior" menu deals which seem to offer up smaller portions of the house entrees. Fine with me.
When I was younger I used to eat like I was going to THE CHAIR. Twelve dozen oysters in one sitting at Felix's Oyster Bar in New Orleans was typical for me. (Not to mention the beers and martinis required for proper marination.) Those days are gone. CAN'T do it anymore. Nope, just let me have the geezer menu and I'll be out of your way in no time.


It's funny how some of life's mysteries get solved as we grow older. I recall my grandpa Copper, a very funny cat, never eating very much. He liked food but, now I realize, no longer had the capacity that he enjoyed in his salad days. Makes sense..

Something else has become clear to me lately.
As a boy I often wondered how grandpa and grandma stayed married. I would look at grandma, all wrinkled and gray, and think to myself: "How can grandpa be in love with this old bag?" (To be fair, I also looked at grandpa and wondered: "How drunk is grandma?") It really didn't make sense. Now it does.
Today I look at women my age and think...."Hubba Hubba". The younger gals look somehow "unfinished" to me.......and I'm grateful. I'll stick with my own generation, thank you very much.

Tomorrow our first grandchild will be born. Daniel is his name and I'll be posting pictures.
I'll also be sleeping with grandma.
COOL!

ONLY IN THE United States of Diversity

Sure we have a lard ass millionaire who makes movies about how horrible capitalism is.
Of course we have an economy that is heading into the dumper because our leaders believe that more government is the answer to everything and that nothing beats taxing the bejesus out of the productive members of society.
Yes, we continue to promote and graduate students who are dumber than drywall because we hold no parents or teachers responsible for their education.
And our republic is being guided by leaders dumb enough to actually believe that the world's badasses will be nice to us if only we will BE NICE TO THEM.

Let not your heart be troubled........

WE HAVE DIVERSITY!

If television and the liberals among us have taught us anything it is that DIVERSITY is America's most important product.

We were making such good progress....

until last week.

Yes, last week there was a major setback in America's quest to be the alpha and omega of all things diverse.

It seems that the good citizens of East Cleveland, Ohio voted mayor Eric Brewer out of office. (Mayor Brewer is the hot number in black stockings pictured here,) So now, unless we've miscalculated, the United States is down to just ONE transvestite mayor........Mayor Stu Rasmussen of Silverton, Oregon. (White guy, push-up bra.)

What were the voters in East Cleveland thinking??!!

If it's not too late, perhaps they could still vote him Miss Congeniality.

It would be the diverse thing to do.

"And crown thy good with brotherhood from She to shining She"