The Holiday That Tries Too Hard

Dressing up for Halloween is okay if you're THIS age.

Halloween, though not an official holiday, is now officially a monster.
A kids' day that used to feature a small party at school, uncomplicated costumes, homemade treats and, NO ADULT PARTICIPATION is now a colossal pain in the ass.  Instead of a getup that your mom helped you put together for the big night there is now a store bought high tech nightmare that won't be paid off until next year.  And, in place of a cup of cider and some candy corn enjoyed with your grade school classmates after the day's school work was completed, ,there is now a multi billion dollar day of lost productivity that wastes the time and talents of both kids and adults.

Last year, after hearing "it's getting tough for grandma to climb these steps" uttered at my front door, I turned off the lights and vowed to just be GONE on future October thirty-firsts.  I don't mind the little kids but I will tolerated no more gap-toothed grandmas sporting enormous pillow cases making candy demands at my doorstep.  Who the hell wants to dress up like an idiot and troll the neighborhood for treats after age ten?!  Didn't this used to be a night for little kids?  When did it become a week long parade of sloth and a technicolor preview of the decline and fall of a once great nation?  It has to stop!

I know, Halloween is now a big deal commercially.  It rivals Christmas in retail revenue and that is a plus for the economy but, COME ON!  Can't we figure out a way to transition from Autumn to Winter without putting little tykes through hobo basic training?  I smell a big fat DNC rat!  How about a costume competition where ingenuity and originality are rewarded.  Or, perhaps a pumpkin eating contest for "big boned" children?  NO ADULTS ALLOWED!  In fact, any adult insinuating themselves into Halloween should be subjected to automatic disqualification and sentenced to a re-education camp.  Better yet, anybody caught trick-or-treating who weighs more than 120 pounds should be sent to a fat farm and given and ultimatum to find full time gainful employment within ten days.

Not all men are created stunning.  Get a job, fatso!

 While we're on the subject,  get this stupid observance out of the classroom.  I recently learned that my 5 year-old grandson was subjected to a day of learning about the Mexican culture's observance of the Day of the Dead as part of his preparation for Halloween.  Stop it!  What the hell does a kid need to know about the primitive superstitions of a country not his own?!  It's bad enough that our children no longer study geography but are also sorely lacking in knowledge of American history.  Don't believe me?  Ask any high school student who America fought in World War II.  I guarantee your jaw will drop.  Fix that educational flat tire before exploring the cultures of other countries.







But the biggest problem with All Hallows Eve is that it tries too hard.  It seems forced.  There is a "hey, we're havin' fun now" vibe to the day.  It's as if the folks who dress in costume are about half embarrassed for having done so but want you to know that they are damn sure having a good time and don't care who knows it.  Pathetic!

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As for dressing up pets for Halloween…
People who do that should be deported.  It is animal cruelty writ large and should not be tolerated.  Just because you want to fly the freak flag doesn't mean your dog or cat has to.

Midterm elections are next week.  If I had my way each candidate would be required to state his position on Halloween.  Any of them with the guts to come out against this day of national stupidity and communist "give me your lunch money" begging would get my vote no matter what political party or personal failings they have hidden in their saddle bags.

Halloween is proof positive that the late Earnest Hemingway was correct when he said: "Most of the world's ills could be corrected with a three day open season on people."  I'd modify that somewhat to  include only adults dressed up for Halloween.  (Unless, of course, you happen to be female and between the ages of 21 and 81.  If so, I'd like to see you in that French maid's outfit I know you're hiding in the closet.  It might be dangerously flammable! Better send me a picture so that I can do a safety check.)

 My owner is a dumbass!