Santa too fat? Grease the chimney and get over it!

Santa is FAT.
He is supposed to be fat.
And now, on the cusp of the evening when fatboy gases up the sleigh and sets out on his sacred mission to bring all kinds of useless but cool gadgets to all the chimneys in the free world and assorted communist countries some clueless morons want him to lose weight.
Where do these nitwits come from???!!!
These health freaks want Santa to set a healthy example for all the good boys and girls by looking like Slim Whitman. Please! Santa is like your uncle Louie...a fun loving gasbag who always knows where the cookies, beer and dad's good booze are. (Not necessarily in that order.)

If these clowns are serious about the health thing, let them set Santa up with a January package at the Lavender Lips health spa to be followed by a February stomach stapling. We cannot let them have their way!
What's next??? An intervention for Rudolph???? (You've seen his nose.)

No, a skinny Santa simply will not do.

And while we're at it...
I want the fat goober to get his pipe out of mothballs. Fire that baby up with some good ol' stinky Carter Hall so that we can see that head encircling wreath and smell his trail. Also, an ass pocket full of good whiskey would do wonders for North Pole Fat's Christmas Eve disposition. ( They're making wonderfully safe plastic flasks these days.)


I would also like to mention that it is absolutely imperative to maintain the current Mrs. Santa in her present condition. The old boy seems to have done a really good job of picking out a caring and sensitive helpmate who is an inspiration to us all.


And to all a Good Night.