Will I see you? Or, are you one of the finished? You know...The people, usually of the female persuasion, who are sitting at home smugly admiring their nicely wrapped and well thought out purchases resting under the tree for all to see.
Gutless! That's what you are!
It takes a real man, (granted...he's an idiot), to risk life and limb Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. The flying elbows, the smell of cheap perfume and fruitcake, ahh...that's what the season is all about. Shopping coupled with all the excitement of a "Steel Cage Death Match" produced by the WWF, it's the quintessential Christmas in America.
I may cheat just a little and confine my shopping to Home Depot and the grocery store. (I'm thinking a nice ham or a power drill for Linda this year.) Maybe I'll even buy Santa a drink when he takes a break. Have you noticed that fat tolerance is high just before Christmas? (In a couple of weeks, Santa will be just another fat guy taking up too much space in an already crowded world.)
I saw this picture of a sleigh with flamingos in the Chicago Tribune. I'm wondering if Home Depot or Lowes might have a set for the front yard. Talk about a home run! I can just see the look on Linda's face. Let me know if you've seen this elegant yard art anywhere. Okay?
Or...here's an idea: Maybe I'll just make up a story about ordering something fabulous that,...DAMN THAT FEDEX!, hasn't arrived in time for the big day. Yeah, that's the ticket. Now I can sleep late tomorrow. Brilliant! They should put somebody like me in charge of Christmas every year!
Like you have a better plan?
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