It's the MOST Delicious Time of the Year

So there I was at Hudson's Hamburgers in downtown Coeur d' Alene, Idaho minding my own business,  appreciating the fact that the joint feels like a bar but only serves burgers.  I was thinking about maybe having some pie when a colorful local--they're all colorful here-- says, "You know, it's only 84 days until Christmas."  

A slice of heaven in the Idaho panhandle

WHAT??!!

No menu, just hamburgers and pie.

Hamburgers, no whiskey

That can't be.  Quickly I do the math and decide that the son-of-a-bitch is right.  My, so far, perfect day has now been ruined by this clown.  I decide to have a piece of coconut cream pie to make it all go away.  This place, Hudson's, by the way is the home of truly terrific burgers.  It's roadside diner food that is now being purveyed by the fourth generation of Hudsons  here in one of the most spectacular regions of the country.  Don't ask for a menu.  There isn't one.  Hamburgers, with or without cheese, come with a smile, pickle and onion.  Help yourself to mustard, ketchup, spicy mustard, or spicy ketchup.  Top it off with a piece of pie and life makes sense.

Sated, I pay up, exit Hudson's and amble down Sherman Avenue, Coeur d' Alene's main drag.  As I stroll I remember that my wife and I started seeing Christmas decorations at Costco sometime in August and complained that this was becoming the norm.  What about Thanksgiving??  My mom, in her sunset years, became so angry about America's traditional day of thanks getting lost in the Christmas hurry up, began sending out Thanksgiving cards instead of Christmas greetings.  I sort of agreed with her but, since turkey doesn't do it for me, let the protest slide.  But now here we are losing another tradition in our rush to Ho Ho holiday time.

What about Halloween?  Where is the candy??!!  I've seen some displays in grocery stores and discount emporiums but have they been as prevalent this year?    I conclude that I'm not sure.   As I recall, our house is generally loaded to the gunwales with gut busting chocolate, candy corn, jolly ranchers, licorice whips, Baby Ruths, Milky Ways, Snickers and other delicious booty by this time every year.  Am I slipping?  Yes, of course I am, but NOT when it comes to my candy.

The whole purpose of early Halloween candy shopping--and don't breathe a word of this to my wife--is to have plenty of the good tooth rotting stuff around to shamelessly pilfer  before the calendar requires doling it out to the pint sized pirates  in the 'hood come the 31st.  Why should they have all the fun?  After all, opportunity knocks but once while temptation leans on the doorbell.

Damnit!  I need to start buying sugary snacky goodness pronto dante!  As it is, I already have a difficult time fending off my candy loving son-in-law and have deemed it necessary to establish diversionary secret supplies around the house just for his visits.  (Little does he know that I only hide last year's leftover treats in places he can ferret out, thus solving any problems with 2013 inventory.) 

You know what…

I just flashed on a wonderful idea for all the little tykes within Halloween distance of the old Copper manse.  This year I'm putting the kids first!  No more sugar badness for my little friends.  In 2013, as a service to their parents and dentists, I will hand out nothing but healthy goodies to the kiddies.  Brussel sprouts, broccoli, carrots, beets, cauliflower, radishes, and rutabagas  are going into the sacks of the little beggars.  And, for those demonstrating neglected dentistry, brand new toothbrushes and tooth paste will be provided by kindly Old Man Copper!  

There, I feel better already.  Now, if you can just hand me that Snickers bar, I'll show you how I can make it disappear.
The little nippers will thank me one day.
Happy Halloween kiddies!!  Put your candy in the old guy's hands,  help yourself to some delicious vegetables and NO ONE WILL GET HURT.

I'll sacrifice my teeth for the children's sake.

And Leave the Driving to Us

I'm fairly certain that this is illegal, however I don't recall ever noting any specific restrictions regarding getting a lube job for your crank shaft while driving on the Eisenhower Expressway in Chicago.  Too bad the cops didn't pull them over.  "Officer, I honestly thought it was legal to park my beef bus in this lap pool."

When watching this You Tube video it's hard to decided who owes more IQ points.  Is it the couple in the van or the morons attempting to capture the "magic"?

I wonder what kind of mileage they're getting?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcCH82JLEf0

Playing the Crazy Percentages

Aaron Alexis, Navy Yard killer

A crazy guy kills a bunch of people with a gun.  Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence in America today.  Almost as predictable is the cliched outrage from the media and politicians regarding gun control and our country's propensity for violence.  "America has too many guns" is the default response from most quarters as they trot out the endless parade of camera hogging senators and representatives to call, yet again, for more gun regulation.  It ain't that simple.

I'm no gun nut.  I don't hunt or target shoot but I do have a shotgun for home security.  I qualified during my couple of years of military service to fire the M-14 and M-16 rifles, a 50 caliber machine gun and the standard issue Army 45 caliber pistol.  I know what they can do and have no desire to keep any of those weapons handy.  I do understand that other people may think differently and am fine with them owning, with the exception of maybe the machine gun, those firearms.

What I am against is CRAZY people having guns.  Too many of them do and we need to stop it pronto.  Obviously background checks aren't doing the job of determining who is capable of handling a gun responsibly, so I suggest we revert to the option that kept us safe for years:  Lock the crazy bastards up!

Just do the math.  In the mid 1950's the United States had a population of approximately 150 million people; today we have more than twice that number.  If--and I think this is conservative--you believe that roughly one out of one-hundred people are capable of acts of extreme violence, then it stands to reason that many more Fort Hood and Washington Navy Yard situations will manifest themselves.

Paranoid schizophrenics and other mentally disturbed citizens need to be isolated from society for their own good and the safety of others.  Sometime in the 1970's our government decided that it was a horrible thing to confine the dangerously insane.  It was "a violation of their rights" and they should be able to move about freely in society.  Of course this idea is the very essence of insanity front and center on the national stage.  "They'll be fine as long as they take their medication" was the thinking, but for the insane to function somewhat normally in a semi-sane world  they MUST take their medication.  Most don't, and there's the rub.

In 1993 Bill Clinton's administration issued orders barring military personnel and civilian contractors from carrying personal firearms on any military installation--even officers.  The ruling specified that there needed to be "a credible and specific threat against personnel" before military members would be authorized to carry weapons for personal protection.  We all know what happened at Fort Hood and now at the Navy Yard.  Lunatics show up everywhere and, unlike the military, they have no restrictions or reservations about much of anything.  They are nuts, remember?  This policy is idiotic.

Guns?  Sure, they're bad when in the wrong hands.  Either we start locking up people who need a "check-up from the neck up", or we start letting our military and others in potentially dangerous occupations start packing.    Perhaps then there would be no need to "shelter in place".  A simple "Go ahead punk, make my day," would suffice.

Not Just HOT, This Car Is Sizzling!

I've lost track of the number of rants rolled out on in this space regarding the paucity of colors available for new cars.  When this war on fun began is anybody's guess, but it has been on going for decades.  The Henry Ford syndrome of "any color as long as it's black" has been the mantra of auto manufacturers since about 1970.  From Detroit to Berlin and Yokohama the car makers' pallet has been reduced to: black, white and silver.  No exotic colors need apply.  

"People don't want 'em," is the response from my pals in the car business.  "Bullshit," I explain.  People don't "want" fun colors if there are no fun colors available to want.  

The good news is that  bright and exciting shades are slowly becoming available once again.  The car pirates are charging more for them but the electric greens, powder blues, canary yellows and several shades of out loud REDs are being offered once again.  

Ford is positively inspirational with this year's introduction of the Bacon Wrapped Ford Fiesta.  Yes, as of August 30, bacon loving car buyers can now order the full wrap, racing strips of bacon over the hood, or a "side of bacon" over the rear wheel of their new ride.  This is inspired!  I wish I'd thought of it.  While I've been bitching about the lack of available colors some hillbilly transplant has been working miracles in Detroit.  The Fiesta's starting price is $14k and the full bacon wrap is an additional $3,347, plus installation.  A bargain in any pork lover's language.

I'm thinking that a fried egg wrap for the hood would not only complete the look but also promote the undoubtedly hot mill contained therein.

As long as we're discussing exciting the car buying public,  I wonder if a scratch n' sniff version would add some real flare?  And--if they dare--put me down for a "liver & onions Lincoln", sure to be a chick magnet extraordinaire.

In the meantime, here's a salty ride that looks good enough to eat.

"Ford Fiesta…America's carb free ride!"

Garage Sale, Not My Idea!

There she goes again.
She keeps walking by my chair with her arms full of junk from upstairs.  I'm supposed to feel guilty because tomorrow is the neighborhood garage sale and she has big plans for items I deem important. Okay, granted, at the moment I may not be using any of them, but I want them available for special projects I haven't thought of yet.

Buy our stuff!!  It's crap-o-riffic!

It's like that.  Women don't like clutter.  Men, always anticipating complicated scenerios that may manifest themselves momentarily, must maintain a high state of readiness.  Goofy hats, old magazine articles, plastic toys, broken electronic devices need to be at arm's length instantainiously.  Storage is critical to readiness and that is where garages and attics enter in.  If you are lucky enough to live in a part of the country where basements are standard equiptment, you should be ready for armagedon and/or a killer party, whichever comes first.  Stuff should be well hidden from female "search and dystroy" eyes if you are to be prepared.   Favorite old shirts, sports memoralbilia, ammo, drinking shoes, bowling trophies and other cool but completely useless rummage are fair game when the woman in charge of organizing your life goes on a garage sale safari.  Be prepared to stand your ground.

I keep hoping that the lingering hot spell we've been having will cool the ardor of the gals--and it is ALL women--who have insisted on holding this massive purge of collected family detritis.  No guys, for reasons previously stated,  have an interest in waking early on Saturday just to watch strangers paw through treasures they'd planned on keeping.  "That bike will be good as new with a couple of new tires, a seat, handlebars, and a chain."  Women don't get it!

Right now I'm thinking of making book on how many ice cream freezers will be on display at this thing.  Has anybody ever made ice cream more than twice with one?   Though they are perfect for storing old tennis balls and cigar butts, they remain a garage sale staple, right up there with old lamps and  broken weed wackers.

Books never seem to do well at garage sales.  I don't know if typical patrons are mostly illiterate or find that it isn't nearly enough "fun" to grind you down from ten cents apiece to a nickle.  I am fairly certain that my Sunday will be spent hauling printed matter back upstairs.  (The joke is on her.  I didn't want to get rid of them anyway.)

A prize too awesome to give up.  What if Elvis calls?

If you can believe it, there are at least two cherished collectibles that will be headed home with strangers when this is over.  My classic Elvis phone which plays "Jailhouse Rock" instead of ringing  and the always hard to find Bozo phone are on the block.  The former was a Christmas gift from my youngest daughter in recognition of all of the King's hits I spun on the radio.  A damn fine gift until you realize you're really not up for hearing "Jailhouse Rock" thirty times a day.  In fairness, it did look good disconnected.

His nose lights up when it rings.

The Bozo phone is another story.  For years I longed to own a phone featuring a nose that lit up every time it rang.  The problem was this hideous blower didn't ring--it laughed maniacally.  The first time I heard it my sphincter ate my underpants.  It is satan's telephone and too scary by half.  No one should have one of these; so I'll be careful to sell it to a completely charmless S.O.B..

So there you have a sneak preview of some of the exclusive bargains on sale tomorrow in my garage.  Come early as we anticipate massive crowds.  Doors open at 7AM.  Fun goes on for a good two or three minutes.

How can I possibly part with something a neat as this??

Windows of Europe Summer 2013

On the way home from a late summer sojourn in Europe…

I have little patience or interest in historical monuments or museums in this part of the world, but do admit to a long standing love affair with their windows.  I guess the relatively short growing season induces an appreciation for window boxes and floral displays we don't often see in America.  They really do have a gift for dressing doors, lamp posts and old windows.  

Here are a few…

Old Heidelberg

Cologne, Germany

Lamp post in Cologne, Germany

Heidelberg, Germany

Doing a light right in Cologne.

They dig pastels in Cologne too!

Heidelberg upstairs windows that make you want to move there.

Colmar, France upstairs bedroom with a view.

A little color on a drab building in Amsterdam

Hard to get a piano in this Amsterdam home.

Note the, accidentally lucky, reflection from this window in Haarlem, Netherlands.

Love for sale--hey it's legal--right around the corner from the church in Haarlem, Netherlands.

Leave it to the French!  Colmar, France.

Support Your Local Pole Worker

Well, finally someone has imagined a fine idea to make the Olympics actually interesting.  The organizers of something called the World Pole Championships are hell bent on turning pole dancing into an official Olympic event.  They've even written a rule book and everything.  Of course the problem with this worthy creative thought is that the rules likely to be imposed specifically prohibit pole dancing staples such as removing articles of clothing and sensual movement.  What the…???

 Let me see if I have this straight.  Clothing must remain attached at all times and no "gluteal dancing" or "come hither" moves allowed?  Uh…if I may be so bold, why would anyone want to watch the left over stuff?  What's next, a ban on hats, canes and additional routine essentials????   They most likely want to eliminate the disappearing dollar bill trick too--so much for tradition.

I can see it now:

"Honey, are you coming to bed?"
"Just a minute dear.  There is an important Olympic event I want to catch on TV."
"But, it's 3 AM."
"I think it's women's curling or something."

Television voiceover:  "And now please give it up for THREE time Olympic gold medalist, direct from  JIMBO'S JUNGLE ROOM in beautiful Kansas City…. Ms. Bubbles La Tush!"

This is "must see" TV baby!