This Just In From Stump Jumper Country

Dateline:  Georges Mills, NH

New Hampshire, state of maple syrup, moose meat, muskrats and Massholes is ready to vote.  Yes, the once dependable state of "live free or die" citizens who previously would have preferred blowing their brains out to voting for a socialist are preparing to choose between two of them.  Well, at least the Democrats are.  Yes, a state long home to ZERO Democrats, now sports a Democratic primary on next week's agenda.  Over the past few decades the Granite State, through lack of border security, has allowed itself to be infiltrated by the liberal denizens of Massachusetts (Massholes) who apparently love everything about their state except living there.  New Hampshire with its low taxes and pro business attitude has a lot of appeal for residents of Massachusetts, a tax sucking state too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum.  Unfortunately the majority of these lunatic transplants insist on retaining their illogical and crack brained political credentials and  insist on registering as Democrats.  Now, by necessity, New Hampshire has a primary for these poor misguided bastards.


To properly analyze the coming primary election in this small New England state this blog is calling on special correspondents. 

The Skipper (left) offers cigar smoking tips to local hobo.

 We can cut through a great deal of the "wicked bad" political BS endemic in the state by turning to my longtime pal "The Skipper" for his always cogent take on all things Granite State.  The Skipper is more than qualified to weigh in on both the Republican and the Democrat races as he has lived in what he affectionately refers to as "New Hamster"for more than forty years.  A cranky retired merchant sea captain,  he resides in the rural community of Georges Mills with his wife, Betty, a Boston native who refuses to acknowledge the existence of the letter "R" or the Republican party.   She also deftly uses the word "wicked" as both an adjective and an adverb. She's perfect go to gal for Democrat analysis.  The Skipper, on the other hand, is a lifelong conservative Republican who owns a pick-up truck, a chain saw, snow tires, and has an extensive collection of flannel shirts.  He also loves classic country music, the state liquor store and is the proud owner of the largest collection of lighted beer signs east of the Mississippi.  Impeccable credentials I think you'll agree.

The Skipper's pithy commentary on the primary campaign thus far might best be summed up this way:  "Get the hell out of my state you illegitimate spawn of burrowing rodents!!" And that request is merely for the men and women of the media.  With regard to the candidates from both parties, his summation of the situation contains two commands: "Get out and stay out!

Since the dork from Baltimore has dropped out of the donkeycrat primary, let's take a look at that primary first.  Betty,  our aforementioned Boston native and unrepentant liberal who still thinks Ted Kennedy should have received the Navy Cross for Chappaquiddick instead of the chair, says she'll cast her vote for Hillary.  Her logic for doing so?   She'll do it because "she's a woman and capable of screwing up the country just as well as a man."  This reasoning makes about as much sense as eating dog dookie  because "it looks like a Tootsie Roll", but I digress.  It's interesting that the party of "diversity and inclusion" offers its fans two geriatric gasbags for this year's candidate roulette.  Either one of these wheezing geezers might be better off in an assisted living facility.

On the Republican ballot The Skipper has expressed some degree of enthusiasm for Ted Cruz which is troubling.  I agree that he has some good ideas but how can anybody get excited about a guy who looks like a small town undertaker or the clown who wrecked the curve for everybody in those crappy high school math classes you were forced to take?  The guy is totally UNLIKEABLE.  Skip agrees with me that Carly Fiorina is certainly the best female candidate in either party and probably the best candidate overall but the media seems to hate her and it's hard to beat that DNC typing pool.

Chris Christie could do well.  In spite of gastric by-pass he still looks like a Florida manatee thus giving a majority of New Hampshirites the chance to say, "Hey, he looks like me!"  Rubio, according to my old pal, looks "too young and inexperienced" to which I reply, "shallow and callow worked pretty well in 2008 and 2012 didn't it?" Ben Carson is a great doctor, nice guy and fine conservative American but why not shoot for Surgeon General on your first try?  Kasich looks like the guy who is always trying to get you to join the Lions Club or show you pictures of his match book collection.  No thanks Ozzie Nelson.
Bush?  Sorry, your pop was okay but your brother just about ruined it for Republicans named Bush.

Though he's not saying for sure, I'm fairly certain that The Skipper has tipped his hand regarding his pick in the primary.  That exclusive interview with "The Donald" locked in the old veteran.  He's picking Trump all the way when the votes are counted on Tuesday.  (Pay no attention to that complimentary gin and tonic on the bar.)

That's the latest from "New Hamster".. It will be Trump for the Republicans and Richard Nixon in a pantsuit for the Dems.
Tell 'em The Skipper and Betty sent ya.  And NO you can't get your money back when the polls close.

The Skipper hamming it up with The Donald.

By the way, you are all invited to a post primary party at The Skipper's place.  Dance the night away to Al Sharpton and his Tawana Brawley Jive Five.
 Sorry, no COD (the fish you idiot, it's New Hampshire).