The Holiday That Tries Too Hard

Dressing up for Halloween is okay if you're THIS age.

Halloween, though not an official holiday, is now officially a monster.
A kids' day that used to feature a small party at school, uncomplicated costumes, homemade treats and, NO ADULT PARTICIPATION is now a colossal pain in the ass.  Instead of a getup that your mom helped you put together for the big night there is now a store bought high tech nightmare that won't be paid off until next year.  And, in place of a cup of cider and some candy corn enjoyed with your grade school classmates after the day's school work was completed, ,there is now a multi billion dollar day of lost productivity that wastes the time and talents of both kids and adults.

Last year, after hearing "it's getting tough for grandma to climb these steps" uttered at my front door, I turned off the lights and vowed to just be GONE on future October thirty-firsts.  I don't mind the little kids but I will tolerated no more gap-toothed grandmas sporting enormous pillow cases making candy demands at my doorstep.  Who the hell wants to dress up like an idiot and troll the neighborhood for treats after age ten?!  Didn't this used to be a night for little kids?  When did it become a week long parade of sloth and a technicolor preview of the decline and fall of a once great nation?  It has to stop!

I know, Halloween is now a big deal commercially.  It rivals Christmas in retail revenue and that is a plus for the economy but, COME ON!  Can't we figure out a way to transition from Autumn to Winter without putting little tykes through hobo basic training?  I smell a big fat DNC rat!  How about a costume competition where ingenuity and originality are rewarded.  Or, perhaps a pumpkin eating contest for "big boned" children?  NO ADULTS ALLOWED!  In fact, any adult insinuating themselves into Halloween should be subjected to automatic disqualification and sentenced to a re-education camp.  Better yet, anybody caught trick-or-treating who weighs more than 120 pounds should be sent to a fat farm and given and ultimatum to find full time gainful employment within ten days.

Not all men are created stunning.  Get a job, fatso!

 While we're on the subject,  get this stupid observance out of the classroom.  I recently learned that my 5 year-old grandson was subjected to a day of learning about the Mexican culture's observance of the Day of the Dead as part of his preparation for Halloween.  Stop it!  What the hell does a kid need to know about the primitive superstitions of a country not his own?!  It's bad enough that our children no longer study geography but are also sorely lacking in knowledge of American history.  Don't believe me?  Ask any high school student who America fought in World War II.  I guarantee your jaw will drop.  Fix that educational flat tire before exploring the cultures of other countries.







But the biggest problem with All Hallows Eve is that it tries too hard.  It seems forced.  There is a "hey, we're havin' fun now" vibe to the day.  It's as if the folks who dress in costume are about half embarrassed for having done so but want you to know that they are damn sure having a good time and don't care who knows it.  Pathetic!

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As for dressing up pets for Halloween…
People who do that should be deported.  It is animal cruelty writ large and should not be tolerated.  Just because you want to fly the freak flag doesn't mean your dog or cat has to.

Midterm elections are next week.  If I had my way each candidate would be required to state his position on Halloween.  Any of them with the guts to come out against this day of national stupidity and communist "give me your lunch money" begging would get my vote no matter what political party or personal failings they have hidden in their saddle bags.

Halloween is proof positive that the late Earnest Hemingway was correct when he said: "Most of the world's ills could be corrected with a three day open season on people."  I'd modify that somewhat to  include only adults dressed up for Halloween.  (Unless, of course, you happen to be female and between the ages of 21 and 81.  If so, I'd like to see you in that French maid's outfit I know you're hiding in the closet.  It might be dangerously flammable! Better send me a picture so that I can do a safety check.)

 My owner is a dumbass!

How Come?

Women smell better than men?

 We have Daylight savings and Standard time?  Pick one!

Regis Philbin has a career?

If you ask a Republican what 2 plus 2 equals, the answer is 4.  Ask a Democrat and the answer is:  We need to study the problem, form a committee, do market research, find which way the wind is blowing and then tax it to death.

Smart Cars?  Really?

Reality TV shows?

Any song by James Blunt?

Hockey?

Circuses?

Political correctness?  Can't anybody take a joke?

The greatest country in the world elected a man who had never run so much as a car wash to the highest office in the land?

Forty percent of the American public thinks the president is "doing a good job"?

The View?

About half the population insists on pronouncing the "T" in often?

pajamas?

Phoenix?

A majority of Americans no longer read a daily newspaper?

Larry King?

You can only find eggnog in stores during the Christmas holidays?

Soup?

Electric carving knives?

Middle-aged and old guys sporting ponytails and goatees?

And….THE BIG HOW COME?

How come huckleberry ice cream isn't "AMERICA'S ICE CREAM"?

The Best TV Show You're Not Watching

You have to love a guy who successfully worked stand-up in Europe billing himself as Bing Hitler.

Scottish wackjob Craig Ferguson, after a brief career as a punk rock drummer, did just that.  He got away with it because he's FUNNY, maybe too funny for network TV.   CBS figured that out about ten years ago and gave him a shot as host of their Late Late Show which follows Dave Letterman on affiliated stations each weeknight. The show is produced by Letterman's World Wide Pants company and it was long thought by many that Ferguson was the natural  "go to" for Dave's chair when the grouchy Hoosier decided to call it a career.  Naturally, show business being the snake pit that it is, CBS honchos decided that Craig was, in his early 50's, too old for the demographic they were seeking in late night programming.  One more stupid decision made by humorless vice presidents and typical management drones that will prove idiotic in hindsight.

Neil Patrick Harris and Craig Ferguson

Little did the CBS suits know that they would be doing viewers a favor as they allowed "the Fergster" to work out the final few months of his contract after giving him $5 million "we're sorry" bucks for their slight.  The man is having a blast at their expense.  Seldom--damn near never--does anyone in broadcasting get to go out in this sort of all flags flying glory. Most often talent is dispatched with little notice or fanfare.  The general method of disposal is to invite a performer in for "a chat" after he or she is off the air.  Within roughly five minutes the subject of "the chat" is being escorted to the parking lot clutching a box containing their personal possessions and a final check.  No goodbye to the audience; no see ya later on another station or in a different city, just…GONE.

Ferguson is taking full advantage of having a couple of months to run his show ANY WAY HE WANTS and it is a scream.  He already offered the best monologue in late night television--never using cue cards--and presided over some of the most bizarre interviews of celebrities ever seen on TV.  But now, without fear of being fired or locked down by management, he is balls out, damn straight hilarious.  I know the show airs late but do yourself a favor and record it for playback at a time more to your liking.  I promise The Late Late Show will be better than 90% of other fare in prime time.  Where else can you find a show with a gay robot skeleton as co-host,  or an invisible band conducted by the "shyest band leader in television" and two guys with degrees from bigtme colleges sharing a horse costume?

Robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson

It might be a good idea to save a few of Ferguson's shows for posterity as the continual unrelenting cancer that is political correctness insinuates its foul stench on what's left of the beautifully creative concept of comedy.  The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, featuring truly outrageous and courageous no holds barred, no sacred cows laughter runs only until December and then, like much of American creativity, it's gone.

Thinking Out Loud

The thought that occurs to me as we continue to unpack from our move is this:  Where did we get all this crap and why did we bring it with us?  You'd think that people who have moved as often as my wife and I would be much better at discarding items we no longer need.  As I packed for the move there was an ever present "maybe we'll need this one day" regarding much of the garage paraphernalia.  Now I find myself with garage shelving plans from my newest dependant, the cabinet guy.  The good news is that the floor of my office is finally visible and my desk is only weeks away from being useful.

Yesterday we both passed our tests for Idaho drivers licenses and got new plates for both cars.  The cost was roughly 25% of what we had been paying for registration in California and our insurance has been cut in half.  We may actually be making money on this deal.  There was NO wait at the DMV either and a couple of sweet ladies to say, "Welcome to Idaho".

In the paper a couple of days ago there was a story regarding the human brain and a GPS-like function that enables people to produce mental maps to navigate the world.  A husband and wife team, Ed and May-Britt Moser won the Nobel Prize for their findings.  I find myself anxious to check out some of their work as I am fairly certain that this human GPS system has a glitch or two in the female brain.  It has been my observation that most guys can find their way around places much faster and more efficiently than the majority of women.  Granted I base this on a very small sample of empirical evidence observed by listening to my wife ask me multiple times what street we're on and which direction we are headed.  I also am father to at least one daughter who needs to drop bread crumbs to find her way home from her job as an attorney.  I think women have a defective gyroscope.  

And, since I have wondered into ditzy dame land…A BIG "Happy Birthday" to my longtime radio partner in crime, Cynthia Heath-Kerrigan.  She was, and still is, not only daffy and delightful as ever but since retiring from radio has found her bliss lending an able hand to the marketing department of a San Diego winery.  In the words of her husband, Sgt. Rock, " The rabbit truly has entered the lettuce patch."  Cynthia made showing up for work at an ungodly hour more fun than it should have been and she always made me laugh.  I think our bosses hated us for having real fun while we collected a paycheck.  

Coeur d' Alene continues to amaze Linda and me.  As we settle in it feels more right every day.  I can think of no place I'd rather be at this time of life.  I miss old friends and family but we have a couple of guest rooms and a sunset or two that will make you want to find a realtor.  Should that be the case, we have one next door.

Sunset on Lakeshore Drive Coeur D Alene, Idaho

Something's Missing

I feel uninformed.
For the past ten days or so I have had limited access to newspapers.  Oh, they're around but I have had little time for them.  Unpacking has occupied most of my days and,  though I have planned to at least scan a newspaper daily, it just hasn't happened.  I have checked email and glanced at a few websites but sitting down to read a paper has not been in my 24 hour job description lately.

In place of looking at newspapers I have attempted to keep myself informed via the Internet as so many of my friends and certainly my children claim to do.  It doesn't work.  Anyone who tells you they "read the news on line" is yanking your chain.  Sure, you can pick up a smattering of important information but you're kidding yourself if you think you have a clue as to what is really going on.  The Internet and electronic journalism in general is geared to exceedingly low attention spans and, more often than not, is driven by an "if it bleeds it leads" agenda.  Also, there is no doubt in my mind that most of what passes for reporting, whether intentional or not, leans to the left politically.  I spent forty years in the broadcast business and witnessed it firsthand.

Today I started getting my newspaper fix anew.  My copy of the Spokane Spokesman Review landed on the deck of our new home in Coeur d' Alene, Idaho and I read it from front to back.  Most of the local stories had no meaning for me but it's good to once again be in the know with regard to national and international events.  The written word still reins supreme when it comes to comprehension.  The Spokesman-Review's Op/Ed page is, in keeping with most of American journalism, decidedly liberal but my Wall Street Journal and Investors Business Daily will be here tomorrow to balance out the equation.

Too many cities have local papers that are dying or are merely a shadow of what they once were.  It's tragic.  For keeping well informed, nothing beats the printed word.