You could always tell what kind of an episode of Bonanza was in store just by listening to the music mix in the opening scene. Serious music meant one of the Cartwright boys was either on trial for something he didn't do, in danger of being jumped by bad guys, sick and circling the drain, or about to become a near widower yet again.
Women didn't stand a chance on Bonanza. They either succumbed to a rare disease or became victims of foul play. A telltale cough early in the show was a certain tip off to the former. Of course old Ben Cartwright, the patriarch of the clan, created this Devil's Triangle for females years earlier with his unfortunate habit of marrying three different women and impregnating them with extremely large male progeny. Regular viewers were led to believe that not one made it to Mothers' Day. Thus, Pa Cartwright ultimately gave up the East Coast and his gig as a ship's captain and struck out for points west to become a Virginia City, Nevada bigshot and honcho of the Ponderosa, a ranch roughly the size of Rhode Island.
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| Ben "Pa" Cartwright |
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| "Hoss" Cartwright |
My pal, the Skipper, and I have been discussing shows like Bonanza for years. Heck, we grew up with them and continue to watch them today. (Insert plug for Blu Ray DVDs here!) Gunsmoke, Maverick, Tales of Wells Fargo, Have Gun Will Travel, and so many other horse operas were the video and audio soundtrack of our young lives and continue to resonate as we enter our dotage. Our credo: "What would Hoss Cartwright do?" Or, perhaps: "Like Matt Dillon, I will always pay my tab at Miss Kitty's." These guys were our role models. Unlike our dads who went off to work each day and came home for supper, TV western stars rode horses, got in fist fights and shootouts, seldom shaved, and drank gallons of rot gut whiskey in dark saloons. What's not to like?!
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| Miss Kitty & pals |
Recently the Skipper's New England trouble making buddy, Tom, has started asking some disturbing questions about several of these wonderful old shows, Gunsmoke in particular. For example: Tom wonders if Miss Kitty merely ran a saloon in Dodge City or was the Longbranch a front for a sporting house? Also, where did all the hills and boulders come from? (If you've been to Kansas you know this is a damn good question.) Did Matt ever spend any money on Miss Kitty, or, better yet, spend the weekend with the dishy redhead? (We know she made him hotter than Rock Hudson at Boy Scout camp.) How could Doc fix any injury, no matter how horrible, with whiskey and a pair of pliers? Why did bad guys wait to show up in Dodge when Matt was out of town and only Festus left to run the jail? (Wait, that one answers itself.)
Tom's perspicacity has inspired more than a few long distance discussions regarding other questions or mixed messages that trouble we males of a certain age. The older I get the more I wonder just how much serious green Ben slipped to sheriff Roy to keep the boys out of the local calaboose. Also, when the Cartwrights "went to town" did they really go to town or was there a Virginia City version of Miss Kitty's Longbranch to help take the edge off? Why weren't there more episodes starring Hoss? Why was Adam there at all? Why all the black clothes, Adam? And, what was the deal with Hop Sing, the Cartwright's cook? He should have been making a killing baking fortune cookies, selling Chinese take-out and running a crooked mahjong game. The Pondarosa was, after all, just outside of Reno.
I realize that if you're under 50 none of this has ever kept you awake nights.
Just one more thing: Ladies, if you ever feel the urge to "get out of Dodge", make sure you steer clear of Virginia City and the Pondarosa. With those Cartwright boys, you haven't got a chance.
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| Festus in deep thought |
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| Adam. Who needed him?! |
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