 |
| "Coke, now with colon blow!" |
Several years ago my old pal, The Skipper, in an effort to bring just a hint of nautical patina to his "always open, never a cover, never a minimum" household bar, acquired a ship's bell from marine salvage. Skip wanted reminders of his many days as a sea captain to add realism to any and all alcohol fueled stories spun by him or other old salts during the coming years of non-stop codger B.S. The bell was a dandy, however, there was one minor problem. The damn thing was hopelessly corroded by its too many years of salt air exposure.
"No problem", thought the good skipper. He quickly secured a large drum and several different types of solvents in which he would soak the gunk encrusted dinger. There was no shortage of advice from sailors and others who professed to know exactly how to clean up anything made of solid brass. None worked.
I don't remember if the Captain hit upon the idea of a Coke soak or if someone made the suggestion, but it was the miracle elixir that returned the beautiful antique to a bright and shiny "like new" condition. "Coca Cola…the stuff that will eat through ANYTHING!" Somehow that bit of legitimate advertising puffery never made it into a campaign for Coke and I'm betting that a brand new discovery involving the soda won't either.
"The Coke Cleanout" is the title of a Greek study in the journal, Alimentary Pharmacology & Therapeutics, just recently published. The study suggests that drinking Coca-Cola may help alleviate gastrointestinal clogging caused by indigestible parts of plants such as skins and seeds. Apparently Coke's phosphoric and carbonic acids help dissolve the masses. In at least one half the Greek cases gastroenterologists determined that Coca-Cola alone dissolved the masses. Give that some thought the next time you pour one down the hatch. Maybe swallow some old brass ammo casings and pennies just to see if the ship's bell experiment was a fluke. Somebody really needs to tell Mr. Wizard about this. Oh yeah, he's dead. If only he had known about the healing power of Coke.
 |
| "I feel pretty!" |
Iowa seems to have changed quite a bit lately. When I lived there many years ago it was a very conservative, polite, and frankly boring place to be, not that there is anything wrong with that. Oh, there was the occasional star-crossed romance between a boy and his farm animal, but other than that nothing. Now it seems new vistas have opened up to guys in the Hawkeye state. A man, Jose Perales, was arrested last Friday on a burglary and theft charge in connection with a break-in at Dr. John's Lingerie Store in Davenport. After illegally entering the store Mr. Perales was seen in a surveillance video walking around the store--shopping. Then, the 325 pound miscreant proceeded to remove his clothes and uh….pleasure himself while trying on female lingerie and wearing a blond wig. After his arrest the store determined that these items "could not be resold". Good to know.
License plates in Iowa used to sport "The Tall Corn State" or something like that. If they hurry state bigshots can service mark: " IOWA...Get Your Freak On!"
One more thing…
The University of Maryland had proved that women talk more than men. (I don't even want to know how much jack they blew on this more than obvious observation.) On average, women speak up to 20,000 words a day vs. 7,000 for the average man. Don't you suppose that somewhere in that bonus 13,000 words a woman could have found this advice for Mr. Perales: "Honey, there's NO WAY your 325 pounds of man candy can rock that size 4!"
No comments:
Post a Comment