Fork Over the Candy...Or the Kid Gets It!

"Can I take this off?  I don't feel so good."

I hated Halloween when I was a kid.  In the first place I didn't like candy and, an even bigger problem,  was that I was completely embarrassed to be seen in the typical homemade or dime store costume that mom insisted I wear.  There were only two store bought getups as I recall:  a hotter than hell plastic "Big Bad Wolf" deal that lasted until I was seven or eight and a "Bugs Bunny" disgrace that smelled funny and had a tail no boy wants to sport.  I dreaded the approach of October 31 as if I were going to "the chair"..  

Don't get me wrong.  I would trick or treat with my friends, but only as a reluctant participant and would always hang back when doorbells were rung for candy.  Secretly I hoped my sack would be missed when the adults dropped carmels, candy corns, popcorn balls and candied apples into the black holes of greed offered up by my fellow juvenile delinquents.  I could barely wait for the evening to be over.  It all seemed so completely dumb.  Sort of like having to work the night shift only to find out you'd been paid in Confederate money.  I couldn't even use candy to bribe my brother.  He, unlike me, loved Halloween and plowed through the neighborhood harvesting every sweet goodie proffered by the grown-ups.  By the time I got home he was already in a sugar induced coma and it would be weeks before skittles or tootsie rolls would be a powerful incentive for him to do my bidding. 

 Halloween became more fun for me when I got to high school.  That's when the "tricks" part of the equation took precedence over the "treats".  Growing up in rural and small town America meant that there were almost unlimited opportunities for mischief requiring flaming bags, repositioned outhouses, and hard cider fueled mayhem.  Good times!

" Come on guys, let's just move this just a couple of feet back from the hole."

Now, as a grandfather and fultime geezer, I love Halloween.  I can't wait for October 31 and the army of little beggars from the neighborhood to ring our bell and wave the open maw of their sacks at me.  I've been ready for them for months!  Literally.  Around July I start throwing bags of candy into the cart when Linda and I are grocery shopping.  "Hey, it'll be Halloween before you know it", I say when she asks me what the hell I'm doing.  I offer some lame excuse about noticing a new family with at least eleven or twelve kids new to the neighborhood.  Sometimes it works.  My goal, you see, is to always have enough candy in the pantry to take care of the trick or treaters AND have enough left over to last me for the rest of the year.  

  I have you see, in my dotage, become a candy junkie.  Some of my friends tell me that it's from giving up booze nearly eleven years ago.  I don't know.  Whatever the reason, I now seek out sweets like congress seeks your wallet.  It's shameless, but I can't control it.  I want it ALL!  Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Butterfingers, candy kisses, if it has sugar...GIMMEE!

So, ATTENTION NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS!  If you are planning on hitting the old Copper mansion this Halloween, get here EARLY.  I start getting stingy as the night wears on.  I will not make the same mistake I made last year when I let my son-in-law, Doug, do the candy dispensing early in the evening.  He was giving out goodies by the fistfull!  I had forgotten that he is a Democrat.  A mistake I will NOT MAKE AGAIN!

Happy Halloween Kiddies!  Empty you bags of candy into Mr. Copper's bowl and no one will get hurt.