Always Remember

There would be no three day holiday weekend without the sacrifice of those unselfish men and women who traded their lives so that we might continue to live in freedom.

Take a moment to remember those who won't be at the picnic this year.



Do yourself a favor and visit, via the Internet, one or all of the memorials to our country's war dead. Better yet, make this the year you get to D.C. for an in person experience. It will humble you.

The websites are: http://www.wwiimemorial.com/

http://www.koreanwar.org/

and http://www.virtualwall.org/

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we have."

Art Buchwald (Veteran WW II)

Introducing...Dumbass Duncan and His Brother Delbert!

What??!!

They couldn't rustle up a couple of good looking babes?

The Everly Brothers weren't available?

What in the name of Paddington Bear were the Olympic organizers thinking when they came up with these two amorphous blobs as the mascots of the 2012 Olympics? Holy crap!!

Aren't the Olympics torture enough to watch? Now we're asked to look at these two sperm bank rejects for the next two years as we tingle with anticipation of endless hours of competition absolutely nobody cares about. Perhaps the committee was putting away a few "practice" shots ahead of the shot put throw down two years hence?

Whatever...

Wenlock and Mandeville, yes those are the names of these two one-eyed amoebas, are ready to be "interactive" with all the little tykes as the London Olympics draw near.

"Kids don't want cuddly toys", said Sabastian Coe, head of the organizing committee.

Really??

Checked with my grandson lately?

Obviously nitwits are once again in charge of the show.

This mascot creepshow got its start back in 1992 when the geniuses running the Barcelona games came up with a wacky dog named Cobi who looked like a cross between a runny nose and an explosion in an art gallery.

Dumber than drywall, man.
I hope I'm not being too critical of Wenlock and Mandeville. Perhaps they will grow on me, or maybe I will scrape them off my shoe.

In the days when I used to "touch the stuff", there were many magnificent ideas that looked good "in committee" (see photo), but fell by the wayside upon review the following morning.

So, for now, I'm going to give the Olympic committee the benefit of the doubt. If they choose to fly the freak flag with the bastard kids of the Pillsbury Doughboy that'll be just fine. I won't be watching anyway.

For Wenlock and Mandeville I have this advice: Always remember that ninety percent of success in anything is simply looking good. At least that's what the skinniest kid at fat camp told me.

Let the games begin!

Switch Hitter Rides The Bench

"It's the steady gig of a lifetime," exclaimed King of Queens/Mall Cop Kevin James.

"All I have to do is put on a couple of pounds, add some makeup, perfume, and remember to tuck it and I am the next Supreme." Mr. James was speaking of his recent decision to don comfortable women's clothing and

become Supreme Court nominee Elana Kagan.

"Are you kidding me???? This is an actor's dream," he continued. "The benefits are top shelf: full time pay for part time work and I can never get canned."

"Heck, Clarence Thomas says I can even

bat clean-up and play third sack on the court softball team. Ruthie G. was a little cheesed off about that one, but she'll come around. I mean the Jaws of Justice haven't had a real big bopper in the line-up since

Whizzer White lost his appeal to that big court in the sky."

Mr. James went on to say that he will be okay with getting coffee for the rest of the justices and that getting used to being called Elana won't be too difficult, but he is worried about

how to handle justice Scalia grabbing his ass. "It'll take some time."

He continued......."Once I get settled in, I plan to see if Jerry Stiller might be interested in the next opening. After that, maybe my mom...or how about Spence's mom?"

"Is Moms Mabley doing anything?"

Cultural Icons Take A Hit

Every once in awhile it hits me just how far into the porcelain facility we have sunk. Last weekend my wife and I were watching a wonderful old movie from 1943, Mr. Lucky, which featured the always classy Cary Grant and the lovely Laraine Day.


Naturally, the production values weren't much by today's standards. The story was straight-forward and unabashedly patriotic. It was, after all, 1943. We were the good guys and America was cool.



Watching Mr. Lucky was exactly what I needed after scanning a very disturbing item in the San Diego Union-Tribune. It was a story that featured yet again way too much information about a show business "D" lister who just won't GO AWAY. Jessica Simpson, a singer? actress? of some notoriety announced on the Ellen De Generes Show that she only brushes her teeth "maybe three times a week".
Eeewwww!
When asked why she didn't brush more often, she responded: "Because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery, but I do use Listerine and I do floss every day. But, I don't brush them every day. I'll use a shirt or something."
"I know it's gross, but I always have fresh breath. It's really weird, but I have great breath."
Uh.......Jessica, LET US BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. In fact, typhoid Mary, why don't you give us your current boyfriend's phone number? Oh? What's that? YOU DON'T HAVE ONE??!! The only way I'd be kissing this walking case of gingivitis is through a strainer. UGH!! You can bet your last dollar that, were she still around, I'd gladly play tonsil hocky with Laraine Day. Undoubtedly, she brushed her teeth several times every day, especially when she was on the set with Cary Grant. (It should be noted that her mouth likely lost the Good Housekeeping seal of approval when she later married Leo "The Lip" Durocher.)




(pictured: recent close up of Jessica Simpson)

Also, more recent evidence of our cultural demise is the news that Bill Clinton is losing weight. It seems that the former White House puffball has promised his daughter, Chelsea, that he would lose 15 pounds in advance of her Summer wedding . She is reported to have said, "Look Dad, the only thing you gotta do is walk me down the aisle, and you need to look good." Mr. Clinton has reported to this blog that he is "halfway home" in reaching the 15 pounds down mark. Ditching his shoes and pants seems to have turned the tide. (See the pantless pantload pictured here.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear my toothbrush calling.