My choice for instant justice would require a pit full of hungry alligators--VERY hungry alligators.
I have begun keeping a list of folks I deem too repulsive for hanging or strangulation and have reserved my very special Alligator Surprise exclusively for them.
MEMO: Would the following people please report to my alligator pit. (You're on the menu.)
1. All terrorists...I have gone through airport security one too many times because of you a**holes.
2. People who make up needlessly fancy names for ordinary items. For example: "Chabbata" for what is obviously merely a freaking sandwich. Do it and die!
3. The person who invented those idiotic paper towel dispensers that require restroom attendees to "wave your hands" in front of the machine in order for the towels to magically come forth. I have NEVER seen one work properly and feel that such flawed engineering invites the death penalty.
4. Any guy over the age of 15 who wears a baseball hat backwards. INTO THE PIT! NOW!
5. Any person using a cell phone for entertainment. By this I refer to people who forgo a book while waiting in an airport and instead inflict on all within earshot the drone of an inane conversation with another troglodyte cell phone boob.
6. Anyone caught dangling prepositions. (Don't you know that you could go blind?)
7. People who insist on putting an "of" where it doesn't belong. (IE. It was too hard "of" a job. No "of" dammit!)
8. Sales clerks who try to sell me an extended warranty on ANYTHING.
I have more, but this is a good start.
All of you I called, stand right there....... I hope you brought your bathing suit. Al likes a little texture with his vittles.
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