What is it about the holidays that makes you say, "Screw it. I'm having another piece of that delicious blubber inducing calorie bomb, thank you very much."
Maybe it's the chilly air and the lack of sunshine? (Can't use that one in Southern California.)
Or, how about this one? When you're a kid you can look forward to a toy or maybe a new bike, but as an adult that part of the old Christmas magic is gone; so you smother your disappointment in chocolate fudge and baked brie pastry puffs. (Chocolate fudge=230 calories per 2 inch square and baked brie pastry puff=420 calories for a 3 ounce serving.)
The reason I know the caloric values of these two slices of food heaven is from my recent discovery of the Nutristrategy.com website. Nutristrategy shows you just how much exercise is needed to burn off various holiday goodies and, frankly, it's depressing.
The only good news I could find was very revealing to me. Nutristrategy
shows that if you like champagne you're well on your way to winning the Christmas waistline sweepstakes. Ten minutes of swimming will burn off 4 ounces of champagne for you. But, as I can attest from my days of dancing with alcohol molecules, if you have several more servings of bubbly you will be too hammered to eat anything and will have passed out and negated the necessity of doing any duty in the pool. In other words, staying sloshed can keep you happy and in your slimjim jeans for the foreseeable future.
That's it for the good news.
Baked ham, just 4 crummy ounces, will take you 30 minutes of gardening to get rid of. (Think massive glasses of champagne and simply passing out in the garden.) A measly 2 inch square of chocolate-covered toffee means you owe your gut a whopping 30 minutes of flag football with the relatives. "Oh God, why have you forsaken me??!!"
Pecan pie, just a sliver, requires 40 minutes of running at 6 miles per hour.
Sonofabitch! Pass me a heart attack instead.
Nuts, eggnog, sugar cookies and all the usual suspects are equally devastating to the adult waist unless you are willing to pay the price of excruciating boredom at the gym.
So, go ahead and slip me ALL the good stuff. Kids shouldn't be the only ones who have fun at Christmas.
I'll meet you in the fatboy department at Kohl's or Nordstrom's and we can lie to each other about how soon we'll be back into those old "high school days" sizes before spring training starts.
One small caveat to keep in mind.
Stay away from the fruitcake at all times.
Many years ago a young satyr ate some and turned into a representative from the state of Massachusetts.
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