Jesus probably would have taken the football

"Wine is a mocker and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."

That was the bible verse that put me over the top. The funny part was that it took more than thirty years pounding down booze for that one to register with me. I no longer remember the book, chapter, or number of the verse but it was the one that made me the sixth grade Sunday school champion at the First Congregational Church in Leslie, Michigan back in 1960.

I hated Sunday school and I really couldn't stand this dweeby guy named Paul who was our teacher, but memorizing came easy and each week I would come prepared to regurgitate the bible verses that would make me THE WINNER of the promised Sunday school prize. Every Sunday old Paul would drone on about how we were all going to hell. "Hopeless sinners" is what we all were according to him. It always made me mad because I thought that, if he was correct, why were we even bothering with this b.s.? I could be home in my pajamas watching cartoons and tormenting my little brother instead of listening to how worthless I was in the eyes of God.

But....then again---there was THE PRIZE.

Paul was offering a really cool football to the winner of the bible verse memorization contest that he was using to inspire his pupils that year. Whoever got all the weekly verses would walk away with the coveted pigskin at the end of the Sunday school year. (Paul was such an idiot that he never seemed able to grasp the lack of interest on the part of the girls in the class. His wife didn't seem to like him much either.)

Maybe Paul was deliberately trying to motivate only the guys because women are more naturally drawn to religion. When you stop to think about it, of course they are. The Christian religion gives women everything that they want. Work with me here.....

It provides them with a good looking, okay PERFECT, man who loves them completely--no matter what. I mean, let's face it my brothers. Jesus is the guy that women want us all to be.

If you don't believe me try getting your head around a religion where Bridget Bardot, or Bridget Fonda was the deity. I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't have been absent from church more than a couple of times for the past forty years of Sundays. (I'm just sayin'.)

"You're perfect Ken."

"Grrrrrr."




Where was I??

Oh yeah, so anyway....I totally killed in the bible verse contest and at the end of the class I was ready to claim my football. (This was really important to me at the time because as a tubby kid I thought I might have a future in professional football. I didn't consider that talent might be involved.)

Then it happened...

Paul announces that I am the winner of the contest and since I have demonstrated such a marvelous love of the bible he is giving me a BRAND NEW BIBLE instead of the football. The football was to be the prize for Gary who came in second.

And my wife wonders why I never want to go to church.

If Paul is still alive I want him to know that in radio we called crap like that "Bait and Switch". It's illegal!

If Paul has gone to his reward, I have some ice water for him. Oh wait....NO I DON'T.

How about some marshmallows, MORON?!!