Face it, technology gets me HOT!

I have had several cell phones.

I never answer them. I do, however, find them fun to carry in my pants. Always set on VIBRATE, it is clearly a thrill when someone does attempt to reach me via one of these babies. I refer to this feature as "pants waiting".

Outside of this "pants waiting" thing I find absolutely nothing to be gained by toting one of these electronic slave bracelets. What the hell could be so important that it couldn't be dealt with when I return home? Answer: Absolutely Nothing!

The biggest bitch I have regarding cell phones is their shape. Most are shaped like candy bars or mini TVs and answering them is like slamming a Snickers bar into your mush. Fun --until you realize that instead of eating something made of chocolate goodness , you are required to speak. A major letdown every time.

Then there is that pesky delay. You know...that slight pause that you experience when having a conversation on a cell. It's understandable, but I hate it. The call must be relayed on various cell towers and it is impossible for a conversation to transpire in "right now" real time. This is where I get into trouble. Too many years of blabbing on the radio has made me sorely afraid of what broadcasters call "dead air". That means it is nearly impossible for me to tolerate even a second of silence in anything aural and I will fill said silence with radio blather to ward off angry program directors.

If you have ever called my "chump line", ( my cell phone number which I ONLY give to people I really don't want to talk to), and I accidentally answer the damn thing, the conversation will go something like this:

Me: "Hello Hello (you see, there is that slight pause)

You: " Hey Ken"...(slight pause)

Me: (scrambling to fill the pause) "Sixty-six degrees under fair skies in San Diego, just ahead of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs."

You: :Wha.."

Me: "I like 'em and use them myself...you will too."

You: "%&^%ing moron!!! (click)

Cell phones, can't use 'em.

Then there is Facebook.

In his new book, "Socialnomics--how social media transforms the way we live and do business", Erik Qualman tells us that today, if Facebook were a country, it would be the world's fourth largest right between the U.S. and Indonesia. Also noteworthy is the fact that the fastest growing segment of Facebook users is 55-65 year-old females.

I find both of these facts absolutely amazing. I also just don't get it!

What the hell compels people to spend hours on-line "friending" people they never cared enough to stay friends with in the first place?

Nearly every day I get an e-mail from someone I barely remember wanting to "friend" me or me to "friend" them. (I can never keep this straight.) Let me just say this, where the hell were you old high school and college girl friends when I wanted to "friend" your brains out??!! I want answers!

I will NOT be boarding the Facebook train anytime soon.

Oops! There goes my cell phone.

LOVE that "pants waiting".

This one feels like L O N G D I S T A N C E.