Take your cell phone...YOU MAY NEED IT!

It's a bridge too far in restroom technology.
It is sheer madness...
Un-American!
Vile!
The final frontier in cheapness!
It's the Kimberly-Clark automatic toilet paper dispenser. In other words...If you have to go, take your cell phone in there with you. It could get ugly.







Mr. Richard Thorne: Evil director of electronic rolled paper dispensers for Kimberly-Clark. (aka...Satan Inc.)


Ask anyone who has ever traveled with me. The bane of my existence is those damn "wave your hand in front of the dispenser" paper towel deals found in an ever increasing number of public restrooms. How many times have I waved my hands like a lunatic in front of those stupid evil machines only to have them silently laugh at me as they send me on my way with dripping wet hands? How often has a fresh pair of pants sopped up the remains of a hand washing only because the demon dealer of automatic paper towels chooses to hate my guts?
I can't make those damn things work!!

And it's not just me. Last week in the SeaTac airport I stood right beside a well dressed intelligent looking gentleman who was wildly gesticulating to the towel dispensing god machine located right next to the one that was laughing at me. We both looked like a couple of candidates for the goon garage as we tried to cheer lead the dispensers into gifting us with a modicum of paper towel on which to dry our hands. No such luck.
As he turned to look at me, the man said, "This is some crappy technology!"
Then we both left in search of a friend or relative to wipe our hands on.

Now...they want to do this with toilet paper???!!!!!
The folks at Kimberly-Clark say that this device is foolproof. When one of the two motion sensors is activated, the battery-powered motor will automatically dispense a predetermined amount of toilet paper. The machine has a suite of "security" features to prevent malfunctions.

Yeah, right!
If it's all the same to Kimberly-Clark, I will be taking a ball peen hammer in there with me AND my cell phone. (Complete with the emergency numbers of my best friends...or, better yet, numbers for people I don't mind losing as friends.)

If all else fails...Be listening for the all-purpose fail- safe:

"MOMMMMMMM"!!!!