Fun With Animals

"Hi, I'm new in town."

The Southeast, especially Florida and Georgia, is home to many exotic animals and insects that can put a big hurt on we humans.  Alligators, scorpions, poisonous snakes, spiders, fire ants and disease carrying cockroaches the size of a '48 Packard make everyday an adventure in old Dixie.  Having spent several years in Florida, I know what I'm talking about here.  

Now, according to the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, there is a new critter to keep an eye out for when you find yourself south of the Mason Dixon Line.  The Argentine black and white tegus has been spotted in a couple of Georgia counties and no doubt Florida has also become home to a few of these 4 feet long pre-historic freak shows.  Consensus in the scientific community is that, like pythons, piranhas and Iguanas, these horrors were "pets"  that owners released into the wild when their hideous novelty wore off.  The good news is that the tegus diet pretty much consists of eggs and bugs.  They're also non-poisonous and slow.  Nonetheless, who wants to cross paths anything that looks like Harvey Weinstein after a bad night?  It may be something to consider if you find yourself packing to leave the tax gulags of New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts or Illinois.  

Nah, it's STILL worth fleeing those clip joints.  Just remember to pack steel toed boots and bug spray.

In the Pacific Northwest little things like 66" of snow in the month of February tend to keep our bug population in check.  Also, any reptile with a lick of ambition prefers to be anywhere other than a place where it isn't safe to come out from under a warm rock until August.  Nope, here we only need worry about large furry creatures like bears, moose, wolves, and the occasional crazed beaver.  Moose, with hooves the size of dishpans, can trample a person to death for simply insinuating that Rocky the flying squirrel was a bigger star than Bullwinkle J. Moose.  They're very touchy about such things.  Bears, on the other hand, need little provocation to smack you around and, if you really piss them off, eat you.  Personally I have found that the best defense when confronting a bear is to try your best to amuse the big lug.  Once, while picking huckleberries, a bear favorite, I distracted Mr. Bear by performing my more than passable imitation of a spawning salmon.  It was a big hit.  To show his appreciation the big brown goober offered up his own killer impression of Harvey Weinstein that I applauded enthusiastically before skedaddling for home.  It's essential for one to be entertaining in bear country.  

"Wonderful salmon impression, I could just eat you up!"

The South's warm weather has a lot of appeal especially at this time of year but I believe I'll stay put here in the wilds of the Northwest.  Bears sleep for a good part of the year; alligators, Argentine black and white tegus, pythons and assorted other snakes I'm not so sure.  As insurance, no matter where you are, always take a friend with you when in the wild.  A friend you can outrun.

"Check me out! I'm Harvey Weinstein!."