I know you youngsters will find it hilarious that reading a couple of daily newspapers is a habit I've indulged since I was a third or fourth grader. No day of mine is officially underway until my ink stained digits have danced through the Wall Street Journal and at least one local rag. Granted most metropolitan dailies tilt so far to the left these days that my blood pressure medicine is barely sufficient to stave off an aneurysm. Nonetheless, I plow on if for no other reason than to laugh out loud at the latest batch of crapola offered up by newly minted journalism school graduates. Objectivity, punctuation, spelling and syntax are apparently no longer required for picking up a degree.
The comic pages and features such as Your Horoscope and advice columns like Dear Abby were initially used by publishers to lure and hook young readers when I was a sprout. News was secondary to entertainment programing on television in the early days of that medium and radio was never more than a headline service designed to deliver mostly five minute summaries instead of in depth reporting. Newspapers were the go to for bigger stories in the 1950's and '60's and most Americans read at least one a day. Dear Abby and her sister, Ann Landers, were always a must read for many adults and children. Though both are now dead their columns continue to be maintained by their daughters and other ghost writers. Out of habit I still read them. Often the queries are mundane but from time to time there are requests for advice that are jaw droppers.
This letter ran in the January 16, 2018 Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long, bushy beard, and although I don't like it, I realize he's entitled to wear his facial hair any way he likes it. The problem is, when he eats, his beard gets into his plate and the food, which I find nauseating.
signed
----TOO MUCH HAIR IN TEXAS
Abby, in her infinite wisdom, suggested that the woman tell her husband to sit up straight and consider holding on to his beard while he eats. She also, wisely, asked readers for suggestions that might be better.
I do believe I am up to the task!
Dear Too Much Hair in Texas,
What the hell is the matter with you??!! Where did you find this knuckle dragging hillbilly?! I mean in life pain is mandatory but suffering an idiot like this is OPTIONAL. Get rid of him!! Save yourself! Why the ridiculous beard? Is he playing Pappy Yokum in a road company revival of "Lil' Abner"? Maybe he's in a ZZ Top cover band? What's the deal? Are you that hard up for a man that you'll put up with this loser? Get rid of this guy! Between you, me and a bottle of bourbon I know you can do better! I mean this clown obviously put the funk in dysfunctional. Unless you are a land mass in a pantsuit, strangle this goober with his own chin whiskers, put on your party dress and get yourself to town. It's time to find a new mister who is fixed for blades and knows how to use them.
Sincerely,
Your Pal Mr. Copper
P.S. Next time enclose a picture of yourself in a nightgown, I may have somebody for you. I also want to make sure it looks fireproof.
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| Maybe he's in this turkey? |
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| Does ANY woman dig this look?? |
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