The Ironman 70.3 just finished here in Coeur D' Alene this past weekend and I have a couple of questions. First of all, what's with the 70.3? This event was supposed to be a "half" Ironman event, so where does the 70.3 come from? More important than that is why for the love of pastry would anyone want to put themselves through a vomit inducing regime for the pitiful reward of being able to declare that you finished without calling an ambulance?
I watched these idiots punish themselves from the comfort of our front deck as they hauled their anorexic bodies through the 1.6 mile swim that began this masochistic madness and noted with no small degree of smugness that none of them were smiling. The bike ride was 56 miles followed by a run considerably longer than a trip to the fridge for a cold one. It made me want to urp just thinking about it.
The big question is: WHY? Why punish yourself doing stuff that's no fun when you can challenge yourself with things like a pie eating contest or a massive beer chug? Instead of this Ironman b.s. I suggest that my new hometown should think LARGE and FUN with something we might call The Doughboy 2.0 or The Fat Boy 500. (The numbers have no significance as I have no mathematic ability; they merely sound cool.) Sponsorship should be no problem. Dunkin' Donuts, Pabst, Aunt Jemima, Stay Puft Marshmallows, Burger King and any number of local pie shops will be lining up to be a part of this fatso fest. Trust me. I may be an idiot but I'm a genius when it comes to bonehead ideas that serve no purpose.
This event will be HUGE! A town full of people eating like they were going to "the chair" is certain to be a TON more fun than a bunch of serious (and humorless) millennials running around like democRATS on Nancy Pelosi appreciation day. It's time to get aboard the all new Tubby Trolley for the Fat Boy 500! (I'm hoping to get several 500 lb. participants.)
WARNING: Any contestants found guilty of attempting to bulk up by sitting on the air hose down at the Chevron station will be immediately disqualified.
Now, if you'll excuse me, please pass the pie.
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| Knife and fork for a burger? This guy is a sure loser. |
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| An early favorite to take the burger eating contest. |
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| Neighbor "Bacon Butt" already in training. |
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| A potential sponsor |
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| "How's my makeup?" |
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| Consuming baked goods from the bottom is just bad technique. |
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| A lard ass who wears it well! |
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| This inflatable will lead our parade. |
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