You're In Charge Now, Millennials...FIX THIS!

"Shake and shake the catsup bottle, none will come and then a lot'll."--  Richard Armour

Oh the humanity!  The squeeze bottle disaster continues.

Humorist Richard Armour penned those words in the 1950's when we boomers were still spelling ketchup C A T S U P and pounding the crap out of the bottom of its glass bottle just to get a delicious blob or two splattered onto our hamburger.  It was slow work but we got the job done.  A knife or a splash of vinegar was enough to free the last of the precious "red lead" before we tossed the empty container into the trash.  There was none of this recycling nonsense to contend with in those days.  EVERYTHING we didn't eat, drink or smoke went into the garbage can and was spirited away to the landfill or--even better-- was burned in a big old barrel behind the garage.  (Personally, I was a big fan of the trash barrel method of dispatch as it provided we youngsters a chance to play with matches while we practiced flame broiling weenies and marshmallows over smoldering household detritus.

Recently I read that the Millennial generation has now surpassed we Boomers as the largest demographic segment of our American society.  The torch has been passed as those of us brought forth via the lust of parents made horny by World War II's forced separation,  to a generation sired by helicopter progenitors hell bent on making sure every one of their offspring brought home a trophy  for merely showing up.  Is it any wonder that this now jumbo generation is enamored of a seventy-four year-old pink-o pant load from Vermont who promises them free college, condoms, and a carefree existence?  It's time to kick start some Millennial ass...er ambition!

Granted, it was most certainly a Boomer who decided that the glass bottle ketchup delivery system had to go and that a plastic squeeze bottle was the answer to the container that needed spanking before it gave up it's tomato wine.   Flip-top cap, plastic bottle, PROBLEM SOLVED!  Right??
WRONG!

TRIGGER WARNING!  (Millennials require notification prior to hearing scary stuff.)

SQUEEZE BOTTLE CONDIMENT DISPENSERS ARE A DISASTER!  They don't freaking work! Instead of making it easy to extract the very last drop of gooey goodness from a ketchup, relish, mustard, or mayo container, we've made it harder.  Starting with the flip-top cap that NOBODY ever remembers to snap shut to the embarrassing gastro-intestinal sounds made possible by air, goopy content and squeezable plastic,  the whole delivery system is a catastrophe. It must be fixed!

We Boomers, now that Millennials have pushed us aside, are too busy doing retired stuff to help with this one.  The torch has been passed Millennial youngsters.  Run with it.  We need a fix pronto, or sometime next week if you can manage.  Your country, the ketchup, mustard, relish and mayo need you!  When you have something let us know.  We'll be on the golf course, riding our bikes, fishing or doing other important retired people stuff like cheating on our taxes.  Don't want to accept the challenge of making condiment consumption great again?  Move to Russia and take that commie, Bernie, with you.   Now, if you'll excuse me,  I'll be in the bathroom.   I believe I left the flip-top cap off my toothpaste, which, by the way, doesn't work worth a damn.

This is just WRONG!