I Pee, Therefore.....I Go Where?

When I was a kid my grandparents still had an outhouse.  Lots of people in rural and small town America had them.  Even though southern Illinois may have made the leap to indoor plumbing,  grandma and grandpa weren't yet certain that those new fangled toilets would catch on.  Also, the little house out back required less upkeep and seldom required a wait (or paint).  A good can of bug spray for the all but inevitable hornets nests and  obligatory olfactory impaired spider or two was certainly more budget friendly than a call to the local plumber.  Oh, sure you had to keep an eye out for local high school hoodlums who thought it great fun to reposition the privy a few feet from its foundation, but otherwise it was trouble free.  

Those were simpler times.  Lately, it seems as if not a day passes without some sort of dust up regarding who can use what public restroom.  Apparently there are men who want to be women and women who want to be men and I guess that's fine by me.  Frankly I don't see the problem if your shorts are in conflict with your outward appearance.  Who is going to know you're sporting the wrong equipment for the restroom you've chosen unless you loudly announce it to the immediate world?  Let's say you're a guy who thinks he's a girl.  If you're properly attired, just waltz into the ladies room and use one of the stalls  they are rumored have in there.  Heck, you can probably even sneak in a nap on one of the couches I hear tell are available if you're suffering the vapors.  Problem solved.  A gal who thinks she's a boy calls for slightly more finesse.  You'll have to at least pretend to be a little bit crude and a ton more messy.  A few minutes preparation with the day's sports pages will go a long way toward helping you pass.  "How 'bout those Mets?" uttered while standing at the urinal will help you fit right in.  (Keep in mind that you'll need to adjust team loyalties by consulting your current location.)  Also--and this is of utmost importance--it is always EYES FRONT while standing at the trough! (Also, no more than three shakes!)  If all of this is really too much for you, take comfort in the fact that, for guys, the world is your bathroom.  Find a good tree or, when desperate, a bush or car belonging to someone you don't like will do just fine.

Bruce (oops, Caitlin) Jenner didn't know he had it so good.  At least he/she had the good sense to remain a conservative.