Guys Don't Text!

NO TEXTS ALLOWED!  It's a guy phone.

For a couple of years now I have been hearing mysterious dinging sounds at all hours of the day and night most of which are followed by my wife typing furiously.  It's called texting and I'm convinced only women do it.  I suppose I could have asked her what was going on but, like so many aspects of a long marriage,  mostly it's better not to know.  What she has been doing all this time is carrying on extended "conversations" with our daughters and personal friends by sending written messages back and forth.  This makes no sense to me.  If you want to talk to somebody why not just punch in their phone number and give them a call?  Texting is essentially nothing more than Western Union which, as I recall, was pretty much put out of business by the telephone.  I think it's a chick thing.

Guys don't text.  Well, at least none of my buddies do.  If a guy needs to talk to a pal, he CALLS.  Why go to all that trouble of typing stuff on a keyboard fit for 2 year-old hands??  Linda asked me if I ever got any texts and I asked her if by "texts" she meant that writing that sometimes mysteriously appears on my phone. "Yes, that's it," she said.  All this time I had assumed it was some kind of bug in my phone and considered maybe taking the damn thing in for repair.  Of course I never did and eventually the ghost writing on my screen would disappear.  Who knew?

I do NOT want to text!  It's bad enough that we are all required to carry these modern day slave bracelets with us everywhere we go let alone actually answer when they ring or belch out one of the idiotic alternative "sounds" willing to yank our chain.  I hate phones!  Forty years of being forced to answer them while on the radio has convinced me that sane people never use them.  As I explained to many a manager as he or she was showing me the parking lot and handing me my final check, "I didn't get into radio to listen to other people, I got into it to make them listen to me!"  And that, boys and girls, is why my phone is always on mute.  (Also, probably why I got fired... a lot.)  As far as I'm concerned, the function of a cellular phone is to provide stock quotes and ball scores that I may have a financial interest in; nothing more.
On second thought, that fart app is pretty cool.

So, fellas, I guess this is just one more of those "hear me roar" deals the girls have going on.  We'd better get used to it.  It's just like seventh grade when they all passed notes in class while we were busy trying to avoid getting caught chewing gum or launching spitballs.  It's the price we pay for having the common sense gene.

Now, where are my ear plugs?  The dingbats are at it again.