What I Won't Be Doing This Weekend

I once had a boss who told me that the year doesn't really run from January 1 to December 31 as the calendar would have you believe.  He insisted that most Americans, whether they realize it or not, live their lives as if Labor Day was the first of the year and Memorial Day its conclusion.  Since most schools take the summer off and adults schedule vacations the only thing predictable from June through August is that NOTHING is predictable.  He made a good point, however, there is at least one exception to this theory.  Summer, without fail, is the season of crappy movies.

This year we'll get the usual allotment of super heroes, monsters,  insipid romantic comedies and, starting today, "Fed Up".   This movie harbors a very large chip on its shoulder for sugar.   I can tell from its clever "f u" logo done in M&M pieces that this picture is out to tell us what to do.  SUGAR is the cause of all our problems according to uber liberal pain in the ass Laurie David the woman who also gave us Al gore's "Inconvenient Truth" piece of celluloid cow flop.  You may recall that was the film where old Al told us the polar ice caps would be history by 2013, Des Monies would be a seaport,  and all those cute Coke drinking white polar bears would never again have an ice flow to call their own.   

I can tell from the ad in today's paper that this flick has everything needed to keep me away.  "The most important movie to be made since 'An Inconvenient Truth," gushes the New York Times.  "Eye-opening, pulls no punches in its informed outrage." says the seldom informed L.A. Times.  "Here is something rare at the multiplex: a movie that matters." is the quote from the publication that no longer matters, Rolling Stone.  "Tackles the issue with a ferocity that would make Michael Moore proud," from the ever insipid USA Today.  Michael Moore??!! Really?  Do they mean the big fat phony dressed up like a working man Michael Moore?  The guy who stays at the Ritz but books a room at the Sleazy Arms hotel to conduct interviews when he's out promoting one of his propaganda pieces?  That Castro lovin' creep?  

Yeah, I'm sure he'll be at the premier with his ballcap and lunch pail looking like the working stiff he never was.  That is of course unless his driver has a problem getting him out of his gated community.  After all everyone's favorite geriatric chipmunk, Katie Couric, narrates this "must see"for nanny state aficionados. 

"Fed Up" is consumed with the idea that the sugar industry is single-handedly responsible for our epidemic of obesity and the buttload of problems that go with it.   Diabetes anyone?  Junk food, convenience foods and processed foods in general are deemed poisonous and addictive by the movie as it trots out none other than Bill Clinton to suggest that a lack of government control is a big part of the problem.  Really?  A guy who can't tell the difference between an intern and a humidor is your "go to" guy for diet guidance?  A man who's food pyramid consisted of moon pies, RC cola and Gennifer Flowers for more than thirty years?

Here's a thought:  Sugar tastes good.  It makes other things taste REALLY good but, like salt and pretty much everything else, eating too much of it is bad for you.  Stop doing it!  If your kid is fat stop feeding him or her so much sugar or whatever you're shoving down their gullet that creates lard and send them  outside for some exercise.  Point out the dignity in being the skinniest kid at fat camp! The last thing we need is the government coming after one more American freedom.  This weekend especially, as we remember the men and women who paid the ultimate price for our liberty, it is important to keep in mind our sacred freedom of choice.  "Do you want two scoops or one?"  The choice is YOURS, Elvis. 

So, go see this didactic reel of dumber than drywall political claptrap if you must and take comfort in the fact that you can blame sugar for all your failures and missed opportunities in life.  Just make sure you bring me your left over Raisonettes and Jelli Fruits.

Thanks Tubby.

One at a time please!