Love For Sale...Only $60 BILLION

Americans love pets.  When I was a kid we always had a dog, no cat, always a dog.  As a parent I tolerated a bunch of critters inserted into the family mix by my wife and daughters.  At various junctures we had cats, a dog, three or four desert tortoises, and a bird living large off the family Copper.  I was OKAY with most all of them.  (The cats and I merely tolerated each other and we kept a respectable distance.)   The turtles came to us as a single, "Foward"--because Katie couldn't say Howard--and later the triplets:  Larry, Moe and Curly.  They died in the same order as their namesake human stooge counterparts,  first Curly, then Moe and finally Larry.  Weird, but way cool.

The dog was, like most canines, a sweet and lovable friend.  I am not one of those pet owners who immediately replaces a deceased companion with another.  It seems so disloyal and desperate.  My wife feels the same way.

Living without pets suits us.  The house is cleaner, there are no middle of the night emergency "gotta go now!" wake-ups, and travel doesn't involve kennel arrangements.  Neither of us wants another pet.  We'll visit the kids if we need a puppy or kitty fix.  Or, we can visit my insane younger brother who determined it was a good idea to acquire not one--but TWO-- Boston Terriers for his family a couple of years back.  Those are some demented doggies.  Spending time with Dash and Diddy is about as relaxing as a weekend at a tweaker convention in Tijuana.

Lead member of insane brother's insane dog posse

What started me thinking of pets was a couple of recent reports from the U.S. Census Bureau and the ASPCA.  The census bureau surprised me with the fact that we spend more than $60 billion on our pets  EVERY YEAR.  That's a lot of whiskas, kibble, lettuce and RABBIT CHOW.  

Yep, rabbit chow.  According to the ASPCA, our furry friends of the rabbit variety are absolutely the most likely to eat us out of house and home.  The average hare costs $730 per year to feed and maintain.  (Note to parents:  Just buy the kids the Warner Brothers Bugs Bunny cartoon collection and save yourselves a ton of time and money.)  For the sake of comparison, a small dog comes in at $350 per year, a large dog $650, and a cat rings up about $495 in annual cash outlay.  Rabbits!!  Who knew?

Missing cookies?  It has to be that damn rabbit.

A bird checks in at the relative bargain price of $200 in yearly maintenance, however the biggest bargain in all  petdom is...a FISH.  A single fish will set you back about $35 in fish food and, I suppose, miniature castles and fake seaweed.  Also, when the time comes, disposal is as close as the nearest commode, unless you're a really hardcore sushi aficionado.

"Me love you long time.  Only $35!"

The ASPCA doesn't provide a breakdown of the costs of owning a turtle, but I'm guessing that they are even more pocketbook friendly than a fish.  They don't eat much, hibernate for most of the winter, and when they go you've got yourself a nifty ashtray.  I have a feeling Larry, Moe and Curly would have wanted it that way.

Low maintenance AND suitable for cigars!