Oh Canada! The Threat From The North...

As long as we're building walls, may I suggest we begin by slapping some concrete between us and those pain in the ass Canadians.  The nation of sled dog drivers to our north seems to this reporter to be far more menacing than the denizens of the sleepy mañana land of tacos and margaritas ensconced on our nether border. Sure Canada has some decent beer and whiskey but, face it, the fun zone of Mexico has more to offer.  Tequila and churros anyone?

I think it was Robin Williams who once referred to Canada as the loft apartment above a raging good party.  Canadians don't have much going for them other than a smug superior conviction that they are a far better country than their rowdy neighbors to the south.  (They also think that beavers can talk and moose poop is candy.)  Lately, because their hatred of Trump is boundless,  Canadians have begun to forgo winter vacations in warm weather U.S. ports for getaways in turd world countries like Cuba.  After all, their beloved premier, the ever so sensitive Justin Trudeau is rumored to be the love child of good old Fidel Castro and the perpetually skanky and "in the bag" Margret Trudeau, the former first lady of the Great White North.

Justin is the current Canuckle Head in charge of Snow Plow Land who now famously corrected a woman for using the perfectly legitimate term mankind instead of the more mawkishly and mealy-mouthed, but very Canadian, all inclusive "people kind".  Who knew a Canadian premier was required to put his male genitalia in Ottawa escrow upon taking office?

I say build the wall and build it tall!  We cannot underestimate the real danger of Canadian wimps with tennis rackets on their feet breaking into our great country and teaching our children and grandchildren to eat smoked meat and seal blubber sandwiches, celebrate Thanksgiving on the wrong day every year, and actually pretend to give a crap about the Queen.  Any one of the aforementioned could lead to hockey appreciation and dependency and we all know that the only kind of hockey real Americans enjoy is tonsil hockey.

It's time for all loyal Americans to take a stand against pernicious Canadian Passive Aggression!  The wall, or at least a snow fence, is a must if we are to prevent a snow zombie apocalypse.  Until that becomes a reality, the next time you find yourself on our northern border and some clown in a smokey bear hat asks if you have anything to declare, simply say "YES, WAR!!"