The Year Santa Got Rolled

Why it popped into my consciousness in this month of June leaves me scratching my head.

Perhaps as we get older the file cabinet of stories acquired over a lifetime of misadventures becomes so loaded with material that a synapse misfire will produce a decidedly "out of season" memory.  For example, just this morning I awoke recalling an event from Christmastime 1970.  

 I was working for a radio station in Gainesville, Florida that had studios located in the largest shopping mall in town.  Being far less sophisticated in those days,  merchants in the shopping center thought having a broadcast station on the premises was a smart promotional move as shoppers would stop to watch the paid monkeys (see disc jockeys) do radio shows from our glassed in studios.  As if it weren't bad enough being reduced to a circus act, management also required the air staff to dress as if we had real jobs.  This meant combing our hair, wearing ties and refraining from scratching our privates.  All major concessions on the part of those of us engaged to honk the hits for WUWU.  (It was already tough enough just saying those call letters!)

The Saturday before Christmas I was into the final hour of my 6-10AM morning show when the manager of the mall's Sears store dropped by the station and asked the receptionist if he could have a word with me.  In those days Sears was a major player in retail nationwide and, just as in many malls, Sears was the anchor tenant of this particular retail development.  After entering the studio and some initial small talk he got to the point of his visit.   Santa was to arrive at the Sears store shortly after 10AM and he wondered if I would be interested in picking up a quick $100 to handle the microphone and help keep the crowd of kids in line.  In those days a hundred bucks was a considerable addition to my weekly salary and I quickly agreed.

Talking up the intro to the treacle infused and eternally crappy "Make It With You" by Bread at approximately 9:56AM I practically skipped out of the station.  Not only was I on my way to a cool $100 for doing next to nothing, I also didn't have to listen to that musical meadow muffin.  It was going to be a great day!

"Piece of cake.  What could go wrong?"

When I arrived at Sears the manager handed me my check and pointed me toward the microphone and the parking lot which already had a large area blocked off for Santa's helicopter arrival.  There was rope and yellow tape to restrict the crowd and I was tasked with reminding everyone to stay behind the barriers to ensure the safety of all.  The crowd was huge and was mostly composed of grade school aged children and their parents.  I had been given a few promotional and sales items to announce in addition to my reminders to stay back and allow plenty of room for the helicopter and Santa.  When the helicopter came into view the kids began jumping up and down with excitement.  I had to keep repeating the admonishment to "STAY BEHIND THE YELLOW TAPE" so that Santa could land.  Once the chopper was on the ground the crowd began to surge forward.  They could see that Santa had many bags full of small packages that looked to contain candy and small toys.  As he backed his non-padded ample ass out of the whirlybird, the crowd jumped the line.  In spite of my pleas, chaos reined, Santa was rolled, the helicopter nearly turned over and...the cops were called.  It was like drag queens at a wig sale.  In the confusion I made for my car and a nearby bank.  Oh, the humanity!

"You little bastards are going on the naughty list!"

As I write this it occurs to me that perhaps recent television coverage of Bernie Sanders supporters may have jogged my memory.  Maybe a warning phone call to old St. Nick is in order?  I happen to know he has a Trump sticker on his sleigh.

As George Carlin once observed: "The world is a freak show.  If you're an American, you have a front row seat."