Think I'll Pass...

"Get the hell off my beach you disgustingly in-shape triathletes!"

That scream bubbles up inside me as I look out on another day of preparations for the Ironman Coeur d' Alene that goes off the day after tomorrow.  I had no idea what a big deal this annual shakedown is when we moved in last September.  It is one of the big tests for both men and women before the giant masochistic mosh pit in Hawaii.  Nearly 2000 athletes have registered for this more than painful sounding event that starts at 5:30 AM Sunday.  Even the lure of $100,000 in prize money couldn't pry my ass off the couch for  a 2.4 mile swim, 112-mile bike ride and a 26.2 mile run.  In spite of the moola it smacks of Army basic training on steroids to me.

Ranging in age from 18-70 these mesomorph maniacs have been practicing for the swim in front of our home for the better part of a week and it wears me out just to watch.  In fact I WON'T be watching on Sunday.  It has long been my contention that any athletic undertaking that doesn't inspire Vegas handicappers to put up a line is a wasted effort.

My wife is actually interested in all of this nonsense and is more than a little excited to watch the whole thing from the comfort of our front deck.  Because of street closings we are doomed to be restricted to the neighborhood until Ironman 2015 is history.  Talk about a captive audience.  In days gone by I would have done my time happily with the help of a pitcher of martinis, a bag of Cheetos and a baseball game on TV but, alas, diet Dr. Pepper is the only crutch I'm allowed since nearly burning out the clutch on my liver.

The forecast is calling for temperatures of over 100 on Sunday and I'll be orbiting hell.  Participants WILL BE IN HELL  and I'm guessing there will be casualties.  Fifty bucks says at least twenty of them will drop like ripe melons off the overpass.  Anybody want some of this action?  How about the number of flat tires in the bike race?  Busted chains?  Fat guys who finish?
Come on, let's make it a hundred.
I'm scaling boredom mountain here.