November first was always the day I could see Christmas and the holidays on the horizon and the shopping nightmare would begin.
God, I hate shopping! You know, regular, get in the car and go to the store shopping. In the past there was NO way around it. Birthdays, anniversaries, and other less significant gifting events might be taken care of with a lunch, dinner, or promise of some sort of "good behavior in the future" but Christmas requires something wrapped and "thoughtful", both of which imply actual SHOPPING. The horror!
Several years back a man from the North, not the pole but Seattle, named Jeff Bezos came along with this really neat idea to sell books via an Internet website. Viola! Amazon was hatched. As time passed Mr. B. decided to lend his marketing genius to the destruction of not only retail bookstores but RETAIL in general. Now, thanks to this magnificent SOB, I can buy everything from coffee to cattle prods, Kaye Starr to Katy Perry, mouthwash to mouse traps and it's all ON LINE. No more sweating that trip to the mall and the inevitable safari for parking. Nope, I can find a gift for everyone on my list without ever leaving my Lazyboy--(also available on Amazon). And now, thanks to Amazon Prime, I have guaranteed quick delivery to just about any doorstep FREE! (for only $79 per year). This is truly a heaven sent gift to guys.
I will admit that since shipping booze via UPS, FEDEX, or USPS is against the law Amazon won't help with some of my degenerate friends this season. However, a trip to the liquor store does give me the chance to once again congratulate myself for maintaining twelve years of abstinence. All I have to do is look at the price of some of my formerly favorite fool fuel to realize how much money I'm saving. (A quick tabulation tells me that from 1968- 1999 I drank up about eleven Corvettes, two round the world cruises, four vacation condos and a partridge in a pear tree.)
Now...where is my list? Time to get on-line at the old Amazon store and start setting fire to a couple of credit cards. Think of all the gas I'm saving! Although I will miss some of the pushing and shoving at the mall and, best of all, finding the cutest little saleswoman in the lingerie department--"she's about your size"--to pick out that special gift. I will miss nothing else.
I know it is not yet Thanksgiving but the holidays and shopping have a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. "Ho Ho Holly Cow! It's Christmas!" No need to panic, just take your shopping to the Bezos man.
As my beloved Grandpa Copper used to say, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a juniper berry, make a gin martini." The man was an idiot savant. Just like Jeff Bezos.
Gentlemen, start your credit cards!
Several years back a man from the North, not the pole but Seattle, named Jeff Bezos came along with this really neat idea to sell books via an Internet website. Viola! Amazon was hatched. As time passed Mr. B. decided to lend his marketing genius to the destruction of not only retail bookstores but RETAIL in general. Now, thanks to this magnificent SOB, I can buy everything from coffee to cattle prods, Kaye Starr to Katy Perry, mouthwash to mouse traps and it's all ON LINE. No more sweating that trip to the mall and the inevitable safari for parking. Nope, I can find a gift for everyone on my list without ever leaving my Lazyboy--(also available on Amazon). And now, thanks to Amazon Prime, I have guaranteed quick delivery to just about any doorstep FREE! (for only $79 per year). This is truly a heaven sent gift to guys.
I will admit that since shipping booze via UPS, FEDEX, or USPS is against the law Amazon won't help with some of my degenerate friends this season. However, a trip to the liquor store does give me the chance to once again congratulate myself for maintaining twelve years of abstinence. All I have to do is look at the price of some of my formerly favorite fool fuel to realize how much money I'm saving. (A quick tabulation tells me that from 1968- 1999 I drank up about eleven Corvettes, two round the world cruises, four vacation condos and a partridge in a pear tree.)
Now...where is my list? Time to get on-line at the old Amazon store and start setting fire to a couple of credit cards. Think of all the gas I'm saving! Although I will miss some of the pushing and shoving at the mall and, best of all, finding the cutest little saleswoman in the lingerie department--"she's about your size"--to pick out that special gift. I will miss nothing else.
I know it is not yet Thanksgiving but the holidays and shopping have a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. "Ho Ho Holly Cow! It's Christmas!" No need to panic, just take your shopping to the Bezos man.
As my beloved Grandpa Copper used to say, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a juniper berry, make a gin martini." The man was an idiot savant. Just like Jeff Bezos.
Gentlemen, start your credit cards!
 |
| Making glad the hearts of shopping impaired males everywhere. |
No comments:
Post a Comment