Flush Twice For English

Seventy-five percent of cellphone users (see ALL of us) go to bed each night with our phones on or near the bed.  Not me baby!  I bury that sucker under pillows, blankets and dirty t-shirts in a mound at  least an acre or two south of my bed.  No nocturnal slave bracelet for this cowboy!  It's bad enough that troubles and people you don't want to talk to can track you down when the sun is up, let sack time be a phone free zone.

I didn't make up that seventy-five percent figure.  A company called SureCall just released that stat and others regarding our irritatingly ubiquitous cellular companions.  Here are a couple more that gave me whiplash:  Ten percent of users check their phones during sex, with an astonishing forty-three percent reporting that they checked their phone while having relations two to ten times in the past year.  This naturally begs the question of just what the hell they were looking up during this obviously merely routine session of mattress polo.  Ball scores?  Ways to spice up your love life?  Maybe seeing if there was something better on TV?  Whatever the case, it could be time for some serious thought  regarding  your commitment to the relationship.  

The most unsurprising revelation from SureCall was that sixty-nine percent of smart phone users check their phones while using the toilet.  (This goes a long way toward explaining the demise of newspapers and magazines.)  What this study didn't touch on was how many are doing this in public restrooms.  I don't get it.  Do these idiots blabbing away behind stall doors or standing at a urinal think that whoever is on the other end of the conversation can't hear what's going on??!!  Also, how many times have you thought someone in a men's or women's room was speaking to you only to discover that they were on the phone?  

"Yes, I did see that catch."

"Hey, pipe down!  I'm on the phone here."

I don't know about you but I have zero interest in EVER being on the receiving end of a conversation initiated from a restroom, unless, of course it's from someone with good news or money.  It really does pay to have the "pants waiting" feature.

Remember, flush once for Spanish and twice for English.  Or, is it the other way around?

Hey, did you guys wash your hands?