I guess it shouldn't have surprised me to hear from a few of you with additions to last week's observations regarding the major gulfs in behavior between the sexes. Being fresh out of ideas for a new rant and in the mood for a three day weekend, here are some of your contributions to the battle of the sexes. To protect the guilty, confidentiality is paramount.
-Women recall every infraction ever committed by a boyfriend or husband. It can be ten or twenty years in the past but a woman can pull it out of her quiver of "gotcha" and wield it like a machete. "My mother heard you call her an old bitch under your breath on Christmas Eve 1988! Don't deny it!" Never mind that it's 2018 and she's upset about you inviting some pals over to shoot pool and they maybe spilled beer on the new carpet.
-Men go to see a doctor only after they've noticed that the left side of their body has been numb for about three weeks or that they have been seeing double for a month and no longer like the taste of whiskey. Women are on the blower to a sawbones if they have a hangnail or if they think they might be getting a zit.
-Women cannot swear. Oh, they can but, as Mark Twain once remarked, "the words are there but the music is missing." Men on the other hand begin practicing their "Dad" words early and become quite proficient and articulate as they form taboo vowels and consonants around the bar of soap mom has popped into their offending maw. Practice makes &%$(*# perfect!
-Men, when explaining who someone is, will go to boring lengths to tell you that "Joe is the guy from the hardware store who has red hair and an overbite. You met him at the Henderson's picnic." Whereas a woman uses only the first names of people a man has either never been in the same zip code with or maybe met once 15 years ago while inebriated and wishes he hadn't. If you're male it's important to nod frequently and just let her talk. It'll never make sense anyway.
-Great vacations for men involve fishing, hunting, boating or a ball game and a chance to take a little respite from all that shaving and other hygiene. The gals want a suite at Four Seasons and daily sessions at the spa.
-While watching an old movie on television, in the interest of edification, a guy will go to great lengths explaining that a certain character actor was in over two-hundred films and once had a fling with Doris Day, suffered from IBS and died drunk and broke. A woman will say, "Shhhh, please be quiet. I'm trying to watch this!"
-Men don't know where the hamper is and women conspire to never ever gas up the car.
-Women understand that opportunity knocks once. For men, temptation leans on the doorbell.
Have a great holiday weekend boys and girls.
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