Skip The Scoop...They Did

"Nothin' says daddy loves you like Kraft mac and cheese and Grey Goose vodka."

The last I heard radio reprobate/nitwit, Ted Williams had checked himself out of re-hab and out of the national spotlight.  It seems that Mr. Williams, who had once soared to the heights of a mediocre radio career in Columbus, Ohio thanks to a decent set of pipes and a daily marinade in a quart of Grey Goose, ankled the drying out farm his daughter and Doctor Phil prescribed for him.  It would seem to merit some attention from the fifth estate, however they appear to have moved on.  The "feel good" story of a guy standing on a corner in Columbus begging for work as an announcer ended for the American press just as soon as he was deemed an overnight success and well on the way to a big career in voice-over work.  As near as I can determine, he was offered a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers and picked up a one time V.O. gig with Kraft macaroni and cheese; then the mainstream media was through with him.  Nobody in big media seemed the least bit interested in the fact that Williams is the father of at least nine children for whom he has provided exactly ZERO support money for, well...forever.  You and I picked up that tab.  No warm fuzzy moments to report, so the gang on the show biz beat took a pass.  No story there.

This woman is "baby mama" to four Ted Williams offspring

Another scoop the press seems to have missed is the very large elephant in the room regarding the tragic shootings in Tucson.  In all of the uproar concerning "hate speech" and "gun control" nobody thought it worthwhile to REPORT the story of the suspect's obvious mental problems or, a bigger story yet, his drug use.  Drugs were, and continue to be, a huge part of this story and yet nobody deems it worthy of probing.

Also, it is amazing that no warm body with a press card thought to question the moral dilemma posed by last week's sight of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner hosting a state dinner for Hu Jintao of China.  After all it is notable that the Chinese president has seen fit to throw the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize winner, merely a citizen of his country, in prison.  No irony, no sir!

No, the boys and girls of the print and broadcast media are way too busy reporting on the latest perceived "civility" infraction by Sarah Palin and the great loss rendered to discourse in America by MSNBC's firing of mega a--hole Keith Olbermann.

About the only story today's journalism school graduates don't miss is the location of the nearest open bar.

Fifty Years Ago Dems Were Different

Lately I've found myself wondering how my parents would vote today.  As a junior high school kid in 1960 I proudly sported a JFK sticker on my class notebook and thought that a guy who wore neither a fedora or "greasy kids' stuff" in his hair had to be the right guy to lead the country.  Nixon?!  Give me a break! 

 Though they guarded their political preferences like the crown jewels, when I reached adulthood my parents were pretty open about who they had voted for in the past.  In 1960 mom had cast her lot with Nixon because, though she was a Stevenson Democrat, she valued security and the safety of the familiar.  The Republicans truly were the Mommy Party of the day.  The party of Ike would keep us out of war and keep us prosperous.

Dad voted for Kennedy.  I think he identified with Kennedy's World War II Navy service in the South Pacific.  They were both about the same age and had been junior officers in that conflict with the Japanese.  It didn't hurt that JFK was a sports fan and a charmer.  No doubt the Marilyn Monroe rumors had dad among the middle-aged males eager to cast their ballots with good ol' Jack when 1964 rolled around.

This week, as if I needed another reminder of just how fast my hourglass is running  down, the news was loaded with feature stories about the fiftieth anniversary of Kennedy's inauguration.  FIFTY YEARS??!!  Holy crap I'm old.

Naturally there has been much made of his terrific speech with its now famous "Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what you can do for your country."  That sentiment resonated with most Americans, especially we baby boomers.  The world was new and we lived in the greatest of all nations; it was time to do great things.

And then he was gone.

For boomers, and no doubt others, the assassination of John Kennedy was a watershed event in our lives. Overnight, just as surely as our favorite Top 40 radio stations went from playing Elvis and Jerry Lee to non-stop funeral music, we were no longer sure that the future held the promise of only good things.  Apparently the good guys didn't always win and tomorrow wasn't necessarily a better day.  We changed.  The country changed.

LBJ, our new president, had jug ears and spoke with a drawl.  He also hammered a philosophy of "entitlements"  owed to Americans just for hanging around.  I remember my dad laughing the first time he heard that one.  I did too.   Seemingly overnight we went from a country of people looking for ways to become even better to a populace looking for politicians to hand us things paid for with our own tax dollars.  No longer "hand outs" they were "entitlements".

Dad never voted for another democrat.  LBJ, so unpopular that he had to forgo a second term of his own, went on to the presidential obscurity he richly deserved.  And, were he alive today, Jack Kennedy would most likely stand by the essence of those words  of fifty years ago and remind us that our only entitlement is the right to strive to make the most of the gifts offered to us by what is still the greatest country in the world.  Then he would begin the nearly impossible task of finding someone for whom he could vote.

Maybe She'll Have A Job For Andy

We have breaking news here at "Out of My Mind".

Among the vast number of readers----okay, two or three, that this blog attracts, one very bright fellow has called our attention to something not yet discovered by the drones employed in conventional media.  Longtime reader, K.B., who wishes to remain anonymous rather than jeopardise his cushy job with a big deal Fortune 500 company, has discovered that beloved television icon Aunt Bea has recently been elected president of Brazil.  At first we dismissed his news tip as the delusional ravings of a man with a real job and a position of respect in his profession.  Responsibility like that can push a person over the edge.  However, K.B. then followed up his tip with photographic proof that, though dead since 1989, indeed Frances Bavier is the new chief honcho in charge of the swinging South American country of Brazil.   She has changed her name to Dilma Rouseff and undergone  a couple of "lifts" and several Botox injections, but there can be little doubt that Aunt Bea is BACK...and Brazil has got her!

Of course this news will have tongues wagging from Mayberry to Siler City.  What personnel changes are in store for that spicy Latin American sovereign nation?  Does Andy have a job?  Floyd the barber?  How about Howard Sprague?  The questions are endless and a waiting world wants to know.At press time one rumor appears to be true.  Word out of Rio has Otis Campbell, the late Hal Smith, taking the job of prison commissioner and Secretary of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

P.C. Police Keep the Country Safe From Funny

Just as the Tijuana Brass no longer has Herb Alpert's back, the U.S. Navy brass has elected to toss Captain Owen Honors overboard for having the temerity to tease his USS Enterprise crew with ribald videos.  We used to call this "busting chops" or "breaking balls",  good natured ribbing that bosses and co-workers engaged in to show that they actually liked each other enough to kid around.  Most of us have experienced it and laughed along at the idiosyncrasies of co-workers as well as our own.  It's what is necessary to keep life and work from becoming one long dental appointment.  But, somewhere along the way this country has decided that instead of a right to laugh at ourselves we are now a nation of folks merely waiting to be insulted about just about ANYTHING.  We are now a nation of humorless crybaby tattletales.  We are afraid to laugh at anything that, god forbid,  might be at someones expense and might  OFFEND THEM!  

Looks like the Captain didn't spare himself when it came to poking fun.

News Flash!!!!!!

ALL humor is offensive.  If you're not offending SOMEbody or SOMEthing you're not being funny.  Only Americans worry about it.

So, now the same people who want to re-write Huckleberry Finn, (what's next? Shakespeare?), want to keel haul Captain Honors for making fun of damn near every sailor on the Enterprise, himself included, with his videos.  No matter that the vast majority of the crew loved him AND his sense of humor, the gutless Navy brass has opted to end his Naval career and waste all that money the taxpayers have forked over for his education and training.  

Admiral John C. Harvey Jr., commander of the U.S. Fleet Forces Command, said that Honors had undermined his credibility with his actions.

"While Captain Honors' performance as commanding officer of USS Enterprise has been without incident, his profound lack of good judgment and professionalism while previously serving as executive officer on Enterprise calls into question his character and completely undermines his credibility to continue to serve effectively in command."

Really??  Did you bother to poll his crew?

It's nice to see that CYA is still the touchstone of life in America's military.   It takes very little integrity to invoke another military acronym recalled from my days in the Army; I'm sure they are familiar with this one in the Navy too.

KMAGYOYO

For the uninitiated:  Kiss My Ass Guys, You're On Your Own.

Please wake me when America comes to its senses and returns Political Correctness  to the old left wing college professors and liberal politicians who wouldn't know funny if it bit them on the ass.

Also, let me know when the Navy is ready to apologize to a good man and return him to his command.

Old Friends and New Stories

The phone was ringing in Florida.
I was hoping to hear a familiar voice, but was worried that maybe this was going to end badly.
Linda had been after me to call old pal John since we got our Christmas card to him returned "address unknown".  That's never a good sign when the recipient is in his late 70's.

John Lotz and I have been buds since our days together in Tampa radio.  He was the general manager of a new FM station when I was toiling in morning drive on the station across the hall.  He is fifteen years older than I, but we were like brothers almost from the start.  We played golf together, had many laughs over cocktails in broadcast dive bars; our wives and kids even liked each other.  Though we both went on to several other jobs that kept us thousands of miles apart, we always stayed in touch.  That's why I was worried when the Christmas card came back.

Then...he picked up the phone.  "K.C.!  How the hell are ya?"
Great!  He was alive.  He'd had a stroke this past year and had made an amazing recovery, but had not managed to get his usual amusing Christmas card in the mail.  The reason our card had been returned was because his daughters had insisted on him relocating to an assisted living facility so that he might have some help with his medication and other aspects of his recovery.  He and his late wife, Barbara, were blessed with a couple of remarkable girls who, in spite of busy lives and families of their own, look out for their dad.

I hear not a trace of stroke in his voice and John tells me that he has no problems with motion or anything other than keeping track of all the medicine he is required to take.  "The nurses are in charge of the pills.  I handle the swallowing."
God, it's so good to hear his voice.  The world spins in greased grooves once again.

We talk for a long time.  Somewhere toward the end of our conversation John asks me if I remember Danny Hamm.  truthfully I tell him that I recall only hearing about this guy.  "Wasn't he a drinking buddy when you were running KWK in St. Louis?"

"Yep, that's the guy."
He continues to tell me that Danny Hamm married his secretary, Debbie, back in the late 60's after John had introduced them.  John was also the best man at their wedding.   Now, another friend has sent him  a newspaper piece about the child these two, now departed, introduced to the world and named after their buddy John.  Barbara and John were also chosen as the boy's godparents.

"He looks a lot like his old man, but he changed the spelling of his name to JON. Show biz!  There's also a lot of the classiness in his appearance that his mom projected," John explained.

Jon Hamm

Though he has yet to see the hit TV series Mad Men he now knows that the godson he once held in his arms is one of the biggest new stars in Hollywood, Jon Hamm.


"The show is on too late for me, but I hear it's pretty good". allows John.
I am now making it my goal in 2011 to get him up to speed on TIVO or some other video recorder.

A terrific end to another year!  An old friend is still on the right side of the sod and, as usual, has a wonderful story to tell.
That's the very best thing about old friends...the stories.  I love the stories.

Best Present of 2010

Seeing Christmas through his eyes.

Do I hear Santa in the other room?

It's That NO PRESSURE Time of The Year

We're running a little late this year, but it's finally done.  Today we mailed off the last of the Christmas cards.  According to "Russ the Mailman" we are members of a dwindling tribe of hopeless Luddites who still do this "stamp and envelope" thing at Christmas.  The postal department statistics show that what was once a yuletide project for most families is in precipitous decline.  About half of us send out Christmas cards anymore.  We'd rather email or post our good wishes on Facebook.  Too dangerous for me!  You never know when some unfortunate remark about your Aunt Shirley's ass might make it into someones blog or be accidentally included in a mass emailing.  (I have no fear of retribution here as this post has a very exclusive audience.  We screen like the TSA.)

So, with the Christmas cards on their way to old Army buddies, long lost high school degenerates, and assorted toothless goober distant cousins, I am now free to enjoy the holidays.

This will be grandson Dan's first real Christmas.  He was too little to pick-up on the whole toys and goodies grab last year, but having turned one I now think he is ready for a drum set or a BB gun.  Don't you?  Better check with grandma.

I'm especially grateful these days to be free of any work related obligations.  All those years in the radio business provided me with a lifetime of Christmas promotion nightmares cooked up by unscrupulous time sales slime merchants.  (There is no lower form of human life than broadcast time sales personnel.  They put Times Square hookers in the shade.)  I recall one Christmas season, either in Tampa or San Diego, where an "account executive" (talk about euphemism!) roped me into dressing up in a Santa suit after finishing my morning show and visiting the lion's share of his current client list.  If memory serves, there were bottles of whiskey to distribute and other goodies to pass out and....I really don't remember much about the rest of the day.  Come to think of it, I believe I had a pretty fine time.  Never mind.

Then there were all the office parties.  Does anybody have those anymore?  Those were always good for a bushel basket full of embarrassment for the entire office.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...the rest of the clothes were tossed anywhere."

So, now it's time to get busy relaxing while we all wait for old St. Nick.

Wait a minute.  I haven't done ANY shopping !  Damn!  I knew I'd forgotten something.  Where did I put the car keys?  Better yet...where did I leave the car??

What do the kids want this year?  Yikes!! What am I going to get my wife??!!

Well, it's off to the mall.  How many days do I have left?  I'm in trouble now.  

I know.  I'll get Santa to help me.  That's the ticket, just get the Fat Boy what he wants for Christmas and let him take care of the rest.  Whew!  Who knew it would be that easy?  One lap dance at Jumbo's Clown  Room coming up Santa!  It sure beats fat camp.