Soupy, Pies, and why we're fat

When I was a kid growing up in Michigan there was this wacky guy who seemed to be on channel 7 in Detroit almost ALL the time. Soupy Sales was his name and pies in the face were his game. The guy was a scream. My folks thought he was dumb, which was the "Coolness Seal of Approval" for my pals and me.

He was born Milton Supman in, of all places, Franklinton, North Carolina and, depending on who's counting, he took somewhere between ten and twenty thousand pies in the face during his career. Pies in the face always make me laugh. (Admit it, they do it for you too.) After a long run in Detroit he split for L.A. where stars like Frank Sinatra, Tony Curtis and Shirley Mclaine lined up to get splattered by one of ol' Soup's cream pies. It was low comedy as high art.

White Fang, Black Tooth, Willy the Worm, Pookie the Lion and Soupy's girl Peaches were all part of the cast of wacky characters that made his show appointment television. There was nobody else like him. As Old Blue Eyes would say, "Soupy was a real gasser!"

Soupy Sales died last week at the age of 83. I was lucky enough to have had him on my radio show in 1998 when he was in San Diego to play the Comedy Store in La Jolla. My radio partner, Cynthia Heath-Kerrigan, and I had a blast hosting him. Cindy even won raves from Soupy for her "Soupy Shuffle" abilities. He was a joy to have in studio. The phone lines were completely lit for the entire show and he gladly took questions from callers all morning long. He made terrific radio just like he made great TV. In fact, during the 1970's, Soupy was a key member of one of the finest radio line-ups ever assembled in America. On WNBC in New York he was sandwiched between Don Imus in the mornings and Howard Stern and Wolfman Jack in afternoons and nights respectively.

For my money, Soupy Sales is proof positive that God does indeed have a sense of humor.

As long as we're on funny stuff......

I have a website you need to check out. Thatswhyyourefat.com is a goofy site that features pictures of some of the most outrageous culinary concoctions ever to appear on a plate.

AMAZING STUFF!

Here are some of my favorites.....

The Horseshoe sandwich from my hometown of Springfield, Illinois. (meat with eggs smothered with cheese and french fries)

The Rubix Cubewich

The Bypass

Cheesecake parfait
Cap'n Crunch donut

And.....my favorite! Deep fried bologna sticks.....Ummmmm good!

And......

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FAT!

How about a BIG slice of cream pie? We'll put it on Soupy's tab.

Let's all watch the ROLLER DERBY!

Here is something to worry about...
Since the dirtbags and douche bags who run our federal government refuse to utilize the oil and gas reserves we are blessed to have at our disposal, it seems that we now have to worry about our GOOD FRIENDS in Saudi Arabia having to make do with fewer yachts in years to come. You see, in an effort to cut our carbon output, (I've got your carbon output right here!), the good folks at OPEC are worried and whimpering about not being able to make as much money as they have in the past. In other words...the pusher is worried about the junkie heading for rehab and feels entitled to compensation.
You can't make this stuff up! I merely report the news.

DIRTBAGS

DOUCHE BAGS

My suggestion is this:

Let's all watch Roller Derby! There is a brand new movie staring Drew Barrymore that opens soon and it got me to thinking about how much I miss that wonderfully American form of television entertainment. Many of us boomers spent countless happy hours watching the hair-pull on wheels that is exciting derby action in glorious and snowy black & white. I don't know about you, but I never understood any of the rules of the sport, in fact maybe there weren't any. It was just a damn fine way to spend a Saturday afternoon.


NBC should bring back Roller Derby in prime time. Even though he's supposedly a very nice guy, Jay Leno just isn't cutting it five nights a week against any of the CBS, ABC or FOX doctor, lawyer or cop shows. They need help and Roller Derby is the answer. Hell, if NBC doesn't want it, maybe we could send old derby kinescopes to those Arab oil sheiks. I'm surprised congress hasn't thought of that! (Oh yeah, they're dirtbags and douche bags.) After all, these guys wear their laundry on their heads. How tough can it be to amuse them?

Roller Derby and a picture of my grandson Danny. (I had to work in a new snapshot.) How could the rest of the world resist?

I wonder if our new head honcho has an Entertainment/Energy Czar slot open for me?

Buckle Up Kid...We'll have some fun

I hope he didn't get the "party" gene.
His mom has it; so does his dad.
Oops.....as I recall, grandpa has it too.


Oh well, as long as we can steer him clear of, uh.....just about everybody we know, he should be alright.

On the other hand, LET'S PARTY!!!

Daniel Danger Diepholz has arrived. (I think that middle name is way cool.)


He got here at exactly 1PM on October 15 and has already charmed the diapers off all the little girls on the fifth floor of Mary Birch Hospital. Too bad he still can't find his Johnson.

"The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter." ee cummings

Just wait until you see some of the surprises grandpa has in store for you my young friend.

It's going to be a hell of a ride.

Ordering from the GEEZER menu

I lost 5 pounds just by traveling! Ask me how....


It's easy really. We've been on the road for the past several days and that used to mean coming home at least a little bit W I D E R.

No more! Now my wife and I start losing pounds the minute we buckle up aboard one of the concentration camp inspired contraptions we call commercial airliners. (What the hell happened to that upscale experience we used to call flying?????) Now it's little, or usually NO food, for even cross country safaris. Sorry.....I don't count the free Coke or Pepsi. My now gargantuan "old guy" prostate can no longer accommodate that kind of aggravation. Also, the airborne outhouse is to be avoided at all costs. The last time I was forced to enter one of those hell holes I flashed back to my Army basic training and ran screaming like a twelve year-old girl back to my less than comfortable seat. (Who designs those instruments of torture? Circus people??)

So, both of us lose a couple of pounds spending a day in the air. That's good; we need it.

When we reach our destination there is now good news for aging baby boomers. Most restaurants now offer "senior" menu deals which seem to offer up smaller portions of the house entrees. Fine with me.
When I was younger I used to eat like I was going to THE CHAIR. Twelve dozen oysters in one sitting at Felix's Oyster Bar in New Orleans was typical for me. (Not to mention the beers and martinis required for proper marination.) Those days are gone. CAN'T do it anymore. Nope, just let me have the geezer menu and I'll be out of your way in no time.


It's funny how some of life's mysteries get solved as we grow older. I recall my grandpa Copper, a very funny cat, never eating very much. He liked food but, now I realize, no longer had the capacity that he enjoyed in his salad days. Makes sense..

Something else has become clear to me lately.
As a boy I often wondered how grandpa and grandma stayed married. I would look at grandma, all wrinkled and gray, and think to myself: "How can grandpa be in love with this old bag?" (To be fair, I also looked at grandpa and wondered: "How drunk is grandma?") It really didn't make sense. Now it does.
Today I look at women my age and think...."Hubba Hubba". The younger gals look somehow "unfinished" to me.......and I'm grateful. I'll stick with my own generation, thank you very much.

Tomorrow our first grandchild will be born. Daniel is his name and I'll be posting pictures.
I'll also be sleeping with grandma.
COOL!

ONLY IN THE United States of Diversity

Sure we have a lard ass millionaire who makes movies about how horrible capitalism is.
Of course we have an economy that is heading into the dumper because our leaders believe that more government is the answer to everything and that nothing beats taxing the bejesus out of the productive members of society.
Yes, we continue to promote and graduate students who are dumber than drywall because we hold no parents or teachers responsible for their education.
And our republic is being guided by leaders dumb enough to actually believe that the world's badasses will be nice to us if only we will BE NICE TO THEM.

Let not your heart be troubled........

WE HAVE DIVERSITY!

If television and the liberals among us have taught us anything it is that DIVERSITY is America's most important product.

We were making such good progress....

until last week.

Yes, last week there was a major setback in America's quest to be the alpha and omega of all things diverse.

It seems that the good citizens of East Cleveland, Ohio voted mayor Eric Brewer out of office. (Mayor Brewer is the hot number in black stockings pictured here,) So now, unless we've miscalculated, the United States is down to just ONE transvestite mayor........Mayor Stu Rasmussen of Silverton, Oregon. (White guy, push-up bra.)

What were the voters in East Cleveland thinking??!!

If it's not too late, perhaps they could still vote him Miss Congeniality.

It would be the diverse thing to do.

"And crown thy good with brotherhood from She to shining She"

Jesus probably would have taken the football

"Wine is a mocker and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."

That was the bible verse that put me over the top. The funny part was that it took more than thirty years pounding down booze for that one to register with me. I no longer remember the book, chapter, or number of the verse but it was the one that made me the sixth grade Sunday school champion at the First Congregational Church in Leslie, Michigan back in 1960.

I hated Sunday school and I really couldn't stand this dweeby guy named Paul who was our teacher, but memorizing came easy and each week I would come prepared to regurgitate the bible verses that would make me THE WINNER of the promised Sunday school prize. Every Sunday old Paul would drone on about how we were all going to hell. "Hopeless sinners" is what we all were according to him. It always made me mad because I thought that, if he was correct, why were we even bothering with this b.s.? I could be home in my pajamas watching cartoons and tormenting my little brother instead of listening to how worthless I was in the eyes of God.

But....then again---there was THE PRIZE.

Paul was offering a really cool football to the winner of the bible verse memorization contest that he was using to inspire his pupils that year. Whoever got all the weekly verses would walk away with the coveted pigskin at the end of the Sunday school year. (Paul was such an idiot that he never seemed able to grasp the lack of interest on the part of the girls in the class. His wife didn't seem to like him much either.)

Maybe Paul was deliberately trying to motivate only the guys because women are more naturally drawn to religion. When you stop to think about it, of course they are. The Christian religion gives women everything that they want. Work with me here.....

It provides them with a good looking, okay PERFECT, man who loves them completely--no matter what. I mean, let's face it my brothers. Jesus is the guy that women want us all to be.

If you don't believe me try getting your head around a religion where Bridget Bardot, or Bridget Fonda was the deity. I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't have been absent from church more than a couple of times for the past forty years of Sundays. (I'm just sayin'.)

"You're perfect Ken."

"Grrrrrr."




Where was I??

Oh yeah, so anyway....I totally killed in the bible verse contest and at the end of the class I was ready to claim my football. (This was really important to me at the time because as a tubby kid I thought I might have a future in professional football. I didn't consider that talent might be involved.)

Then it happened...

Paul announces that I am the winner of the contest and since I have demonstrated such a marvelous love of the bible he is giving me a BRAND NEW BIBLE instead of the football. The football was to be the prize for Gary who came in second.

And my wife wonders why I never want to go to church.

If Paul is still alive I want him to know that in radio we called crap like that "Bait and Switch". It's illegal!

If Paul has gone to his reward, I have some ice water for him. Oh wait....NO I DON'T.

How about some marshmallows, MORON?!!

Who are these guys???!!!

"Tell me who you're with--and I'll tell you who you are."
----Old Spanish proverb


This week, unless you were blissfully able to miss it, we were surrounded by a veritable plethora of lunatics cavorting on our dime in the Big Apple. Ain't the UN just the cat's nuts? Where else can you observe the most magnificent collection of piss pot banana republic dictators and morons all telling us that WE are the reason that their counties are hell holes?
"Welcome to America, please feel free to piss on the carpet. Don't worry-our president pretty much agrees with you."


My favorite despot, Mohammar Qaddafi, provided some extra special comic relief for his visit to the UN this year. He tried to pitch one of his homemade tents in Donald Trump's backyard. (The tent, by the way, looked an awful lot like the kind of contraption my brother and I used to cobble together using a card table.)
Libya must be so proud to have a retarded goat herder as its head of state.

Then there is our old pal Hugo Chavez....
Didn't he used to be with the Three Stooges? Curly, I think.
Is there a larger pocket of natural gas anywhere in our hemisphere?
Old Hugo is a piping hot talking pile of pig flop; flies swarm at the mention of his name.



It is time to take the choke chain off Israel. Bombs Away Iran!
And, while you're at it, how about lobbing some Hiroshima Hot Sauce down the chimney at the UN. I'm sure that "The Donald" is itching to put some condos on that pricey piece of real estate.